EM

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

You may be quite determined to get to the bottom of something that's been bothering you for a while. This isn't some passing whim; you are committed to doing whatever is necessary to fully understand your feelings. You may be driven by unrealistic values, yet you don't have to lose sight of what's real. Decide what's most important to you and then bring these ideals down to earth.

To be a gemini is never easy, it always puts you in different situations where you feel lost and don't know how to get out of them. I have always been a very emotional person, and I dedicate myself to everything that I do.. And for some reason I always get hurt on the way there.. I trust the wrong people, and I believe that they have their best interest for me.. but a very few people actually do.. That way I always get hurt, that way I always end up with less then I started of with.. Because I give more of myself, then I get in return.. I love my life, don't get me wrong I really do, but sometimes it feels like the universe thinks that I deserve to live a life I don't believe in.. My life fails all my thoughts and all my attempts to get a good life.. Maybe I need to get home on a safe base, maybe I need to get back to were I started off to be able to trust other people again.. it doesn't matter how much I love America, and how much America is my home - maybe I need to go home, maybe I need to be around people that are real, because most people here aren't.. and I'm so done of being disappointed, I'm tired of it.. I'm done being hurt, because I always do get hurt, so hurt that it's so hard to rise up from it.. and I don't need that.. so from this day, I need to make some difficult decisions and move on with my life, and live all this behind me. The question is, am I ready for that? Maybe I am and maybe I can make it work, because the day I move back to Europe, America is left behind and it always will be.. It can never again be my present.. it will forever be my past.. god, I'm so hurt right now, that I can't even think straight. I wish that I could just be like so many other people - I wish that I could ignore other people when they are idiots and be fine with that, but I can't.. I need to stay faithful to my heart, and that's the hard part..

Why can't my life just be easy?

LOVE , EM

Winter wonder land came to Americas west coast on Wednesday. People were calling me of the clock freaking out over the fact that I was driving, Thursday came and Jennifer was snowed in at my place, we took a trip to wall mart, got my oil changed and spend 2 hours at wall mart, buying stuff that we didn't really need, or I bought stuff that I didn't really need - but wall mart is cheap, right? Right! When we got out the air was white and silent snow came falling down. Johnny called Jennifer and asked why the hell we were out driving and told us to go home and start drinking wine, so we did. I couldn't understand what it was all about, it's just some snow, right? Right! Well, apparently the country of monster cars has people in it who doesn't know how to drive in the snow. I loved it, it made me feel like home, and homesickness wasn't as bad as it have been for the last two weeks, because god damn it - we have snow in Washington and A LOT of it! Love it! But it's true, people aren't prepared and they don't know how to drive in this type of weather, but why would they? I mean, hell yeah, it's easy to sit here and blame Americans for not being able to drive in snow, but when the Seattle are has snow maybe 1 week a year, why would they be experts in driving in the snow? It's not like Sweden who trips around in snow from November to late April. So driving right now it's not my favourite thing to do, not that I don't trust my self driving in snow and ice, but because I don't trust that the car behind me wont crash in to me if I for some reason need to hit the break, or that the car ahead of me wont start sliding down trying to get up the hill. No, safe before anything else - stay home, drink wine and play with Prince - that's my thing to do right now. Me and Maria are going for a power walk soon! After that I have an ugly sweater party to attend, my sweater is way ugly and pictures will be uploaded shortly after tonight!
On Thursday I had friends over for dinner and wine, we played charades, finished 8 bottles of wine and enjoyed each others company - I do have some great people in my life and I have honestly never felt happier with my life then right now.

Christmas is coming up, on Wednesday, and I have no feelings but homesickness. Holiday spirit isn't there and I can't feel a thing, I just feel sorry that I can't be with my family. It will be my first Christmas in 21 years without my moms Christmas food, my siblings giggling and excitement for Santa to arrive, I can honestly say that I will even miss my father arguing with me - which is something that always happens if we are looked down in the same house for more then 4 hours, which is easy done on Christmas, family time stays in the house. It will be difficult, but I also know that it's the right thing to do, it's time to grow up and move on and create my own life. I never take the easy road to anything, and especially to road to finding myself, that road isn't supposed to be easy and I search for every opportunity I get to grow as a person and find new sides of my self that I didn't know I had and learn how to deal with that and learn more about myself and how I work in certain situation, like being apart of my family. Being apart from my family is something that I have been for a long time now, and that's difficult when we are a very closed family, but at the same time I don't fit in and I need to be on my own to learn how to appreciate our differences and learn to take my place in our family. My part will never be to live in the house next to my fathers, or going to dinner and wine every Tuesday with my mother. I don't fit in the pattern of a close family as it's put by society. But I can still be close to my family even though I'm here, I believe that my relationship to my family is stronger today then it has ever been. I just realizing this while I'm writing. I need to do my own thing without having my family watching every step that I'm taking, and therefore I need to be far away from them. Because they don't agree with the life I choose for my self, but that's okay, cause it's my life and I need to live it - sometimes closeness isn't how close you are in the world, close is what you are when you hit a type of understanding in the other persons life without being in the same room and still love and still feel a deep connection, that's real friendship and that's the bond of a family, and bond I would never would have got with my family if I would have stayed back home.

Love, em.  

I don't doubt.

I don't say never.
I don't think that the future have more in store that it might seem like in a present moment.

I don't believe that focusing on your problems make them go away.
I believe that focusing on the good things in life make your problems seem less important.

I believe that we can not control everything or that we should even try.
I believe that we sometimes need to let go, and let faith lead us forward.
I believe that you can not control who you love, and you never shall.

I don't believe that you can ignore your feelings, because if you can, they aren't real.

I don't believe that one factor in your life should ruin other factors in your life.

I don't believe that it's impossible to keep things separated.

I don't believe that drama solves anything.

I believe that listening and understanding is a major skill to practise for greatness.

I don't believe that at relationship is two people becoming one.
I believe that a relationship is two people becoming one, but still keeping their own voice.  
I believe that our present time is valuable, that's what it's called present.

I don't believe that our pass should bring us down.
I don't believe that our future should push us to insanity - before we even get there.

I believe that problems in our future will become problems in the present when there is time.

I don't believe that problems are there of themselves, problems are what we make them to be.

I believe that life is just as difficult and as hard as we make it ourselves.

I believe in many things and I also don't believe in other things.

This makes a small part of my values, one small part of me being me, a small part to understand who I am and why I act and think the way I do. It's my way and reinsurance that I deal with things in a way where I can tell myself, yes, I did this the way I believe it should be done. I also believe that this is my list and not yours, what is your list like? What makes you, you?

Days like this, when the world around me showed itself from its ugliest face, it's difficult to remember, it's hard to stay sane to myself, it's difficult to believe that today isn't all I get and that sunlight always seems to come after rain, yeah, well maybe not in Washington. But I try and I try harder today then ever before - because right now, all I can think of is, what is the universe trying to tell me?
But I also need to remember that life isn't a destination, it's a journey and I haven't reached my destination yet, this isn't what life is all about, I just need to be patient and take care of my life the way I would guide others to do it - I'm not lost, I'm drained, and tomorrow will be better, I know that.
I just wish it would be easier, I wish people would stop saying, you can do this, you're strong! But why do I need to be strong all the time? How many of these things do I need to survive? My life isn't a bad story, it's a good one, this is just another bad chapter - but if you read a book with now lows or highs, why would you continue reading? This days makes the other days so much better - always look on the bright side of life...

Love, em.

My life is changing and it's happening in a speed I'v never experienced before, or have I?

I was on the phone with one of my old friends Karin today, and she asked me about plans for future life, since she last talked to me 3 weeks ago. I realized talking to her that as much as my life change in 3 weeks isn't normal to many, but for me, it's a reality, a reality that I'm facing year after year. 3 weeks ago my life situation was totally different and also my future plans. I updated her and as I was talking to her about my plans I also set them in stone for myself, speaking words out loud makes them real. I want to write, I want to be happy, I want to live life as it comes and I want to trust destiny to take me there. Therefore I don't try to control my plans or the direction my life is taking, no, I'm listening to my feelings and I let the chose the next step on my journey.
I always hear people talking about becoming something great, I always hear people around having major goals for their future brightness.
For me it's not about becoming a lawyer, a doctor or something else that pays the big money but I think it's fantastic that some people want to dedicate their life to save peoples life and protect people to spend their life in prison, freaking great!
Since I was 11 years old I have wanting to become a writer. I have come to the understanding that I won't be a Michelle Moore in two seconds and have best selling books all over the country, nationwide, I know I need a job on the side. I always thought that journalism would be my way to get there, but I'm confused over the choice now. I have been talking to so many people who tells me that their writing have been destroyed since they became journalists, journalism isn't about writing, it's about reporting and is that something that I want to do?
I need some serious thinking time.

I talked to a journalist from The Sun, two weeks ago - he told me, if I want to become a writer I need to dedicate myself to become the best writer I can be. Becoming a journalist will not help, I can't be a reporter during the day, writing after rules and directions set by the editors, and then be a creative writer at night time. He said, work at Mc Donald's! Write at night! I said never Mc Donald's! This got me to think, therefore my life changed more then it should have, but it's a good change and it is something that I believe in. I updated Karin and I updated myself. Yes my life changed a lot these couple of weeks, my view on things changed, my view of people in my life changed, my appreciation for people in my life changed, my living situation changed and my future changed - but it's a great feeling, following your gut, following your heart - and you can never be mislead. I believe in faith and life, and life will bring me forward and faith will put me in the right direction, I just need to stop controlling it and do with my life as my life do to me, live it instead of planning it!
AND NO, I won't wake up when I'm 35 asking myself where my life went, because I don't live that way, I live like everyday is the last one and I search for every chance to reach happiness and that's what life is about for me - and living it this way, can never make me fail.

Now I'm cuddling down with Prince, watching Batman the dark night, which I bought last night - btw, tomorrow is the day when mama mia comes out on DVD, AMAZING! I'm buying it, just to let you know, cause that movie makes my heart sing!

Love, em.

I believe in friendship, which might be a odd way of putting it, but I will give reasoning for my thinking and I will explain this random thought and make you understand the meaning behind these words, and what meaning they have for me - because if I learned one thing this last year and a half, it is that all people have different perceptions of words and the meaning behind them. It is not a bad difference, because difference is never a bad thing - it's just different and differences make the world move forward. So even if it isn't a bad thing, it sometimes and at curtain points make things confusing and in a different culture as I'm now finding myself in the middle of, it sometimes puts you in a situation where you need to sit down, calm down your spinning brain and try your hardest to understand and relate even though it many times is difficult. But as I'm now finding myself in a new culture, living a new life and creating an environment worth living in, it's my own responsibility to understand the world that I'm living in!

As growing up I have always been an over social person, with tons of energy and skills to talk to people, random people, people with different backgrounds, different life styles and different interests. I adapted well with new people and instantly found my spot in the group of people. I had many so called friends, people that I knew, people that I talked to and people that I liked. I spend all my energy on being well liked by many instead of being loved by few. Once my high school sweetheart told me "Em, the person who doesn't have any enemies does not have any real friends" I swiped his words of my chest like it was an irritating summer bug, who was he to talk?
Growing up I learned that the reasoning behind his words might have been something I should have been listen to more carefully and actually learn something from it. Growing up we have many times been told that you can't be loved by them all, and you can't like everyone, but I wanted to prove that this was wrong and that I can be loved by them all and I can also love them back.
But having a million people that you know and care about makes the energy you put towards this people very limited and the energy you get back is just as limited.

Today I value things different then I did then and I am a much happier person today.
When I was younger I spent all this energy towards people who loved the attention but they didn't care for real friendship, they weren't people to call when life kicked my ass from time to time, and they weren't the people who called me when they were planning dinner parties for close friends. I spent tons of energy and gained very little for myself, my battery drained out and I was left alone in the end of the day. Because sometimes it doesn't matter how many people you have in your phonebook or how many people you say HI to walking around downtown, because even if your name is known by many you can still live a lonely life without a safe zone to call your own, without a friend to call in the middle of the night with the sorrows making your heart hurt and brain on a heavy rotation.
I stopped.
Today I might not be the person people call for party check ups, I might not have 300 numbers to random people were I don't know or care about the last name of half of them. Today on the other hand I have a circle of friends who loves me just because I am the way I am, who gives me all the energy I give them, who care about my future, who're listening when life is rough and unfair. Today I have people that I call my friends, does other people from my past are just people that I know or people that I know the name of.
I believe in friendship, and I believe that the meaning behind friendship is different for many people, but for me it's easy to define, a friend is everything above and so much more, a friend is someone that you love, a friend is someone that you care about, a friend is a person who doesn't judge, a friend is a person who stands by your side regardless of what you do.
If I call you my friend, I will do all this and everything else that I can do to make your life easier, funnier, better and brighter - I will stand by your side and be the person you can call, the person you can cry out the tuff times to, the person you can laugh with, the person who'll always be there for you.
If I call you my friend, it's because I believe in you and I believe that you will give my life something that makes my life a little brighter and better.
I don't play games, I don't fake social with people I don't find interesting or worth spending time and energy on - which might sound rough, but on the other hand, it's not, because you can't love them all and if you can't love them all, love the ones you can and let the others go. I'm honest, if I call you my friend, I love you, and if I love you I will do everything for you.
But this is where my culture differs from the America beauty. It's as I said not bad, but different and something I'm struggling with on a daily base.
It's difficult for me to know and understand what's real here and what's not. If there is one thing Americans are amazing at, it is to use the world love.

I don't think I ever heard the world love so many times, daily, as I have since I came to America.

I am very careful today on what people I let into my life and in a country as America it might many times be difficult to live like that, since everyone here are very open and outgoing, kind of like I used to be at the age of 14 and 15. It's easy to fall in to that, trust and believe that love is actually there and that this person might actually be your friend.
I have learned the hard way to not listen anymore, and that's my way of dealing with the American culture.

Because one other thing I have learned to value since I came here, and that is that actions speaks louder then words. Be my guest and tell me that you love me, be my guest and call yourself my friend - but that doesn't make it true, that doesn't make it my reality. The day your actions goes hand in hand with your words is the day I will let you in to my life, that is the day I will spend my energy towards your needs and goals, that day is the day I will call you my friend. I'm not getting burned again, I believe in happiness way to much to put myself out there before I know it's safe.
Doing this I ended up with friends who I love more the life itself, doing this I ended up with people who never leaves me to my own sorrows, doing this made me apart of a family, a family of close friends who would do anything for each other. This is what I believe in, this is what I believe is worth waiting for. Don't' spend energy on people who doesn't appreciate your friendship, because that's just bad energy - because your friendship is important, if not to this person it might be important to someone else, so keep your life on rotation, live and learn, meet great people, and meet not so great people, love and give and you will gain.
I don't need a million people to make myself feel important, I don't need a thousands of people reinsure my ability as a good friend because honestly, today I couldn't care less. I care about my friends and their opinions are extremely important to me, but the rest, is not up to me, it's up to the world to figure out. I'm secure and I'm never alone, I'm loved and I love - How am I to call myself unhappy?
I'm the happiest version of me at this point of my life, I found myself, I found people who loves me, I found a safe and warm environment. Don't throw your heart out to the world, because if you don't trust the person who catches it, how do you know you'll get it back?

It's bedtime in the states, I'm tucking in.
The snow is still left on the ground, crystal clear, it feels a little bit like home and my homesickness from earlier is gone out the window, I'm peaceful, happy and relieved of the fact that life always have a way to figure itself out if you only have some faith in the fact that after low points there are highs that will give you butterflies and happy ending.

Who said that ZSA ZSA ZSU is only for love? Zsa zsa zsu is the story of my life, the feeling that I'm searching in everything that I do - zsa zsa zsu gives be the strength to work harder, just a little bit harder to find myself in the exact place I'm at right now - in a very happy state of mind.

Love em.

I helgen har det flyttats, monterats och skruvats.
Det var slitsamt, behövligt och bra - aldrig förr har det varit så roligt att flytta - sista minnen från desmond är nu borta, sista dåliga minnena från ett rum som blev mitt fängelse så länge, enda stället där jag borde kunna vara mig själv kände jag inte igen mig själv i längre. Allt packades ner och packades upp till glada samtal, skratt och fler flaskor vin med vänner som är det mest fantastiska som någonsin har skådats, om man bortser från min bästa där hemma.
Packar ner, packas upp  - nystart och det är fantastiskt. Prince har fått hänga med på flyttlasset och han är något sliten på att svänga omkring nu - men igår blev det lugn i tillvaron då det blev en mysday med phyllicia i nya stället, sen kom maria över med vinflaskor i påsen och förfrisknar som denna är alltid välkommet - vi firade, vi firade min nya lägenhet och att hon hade fått lägenhet i samma apartment complex som jag själv! Idag åkte vi och julhandlade, det blev en julgran och massa fint pynt, allt detta blir bilduppläggning här snarast.
Nu måste jag fokusera på mina sluttentor för morgondagen och torsdagens logic helvete.

Och adressen som jag la upp förr var följande

Emelie Lindgren
Apt Q 102
4519 SW 321st St
Federal Way, WA 98023

men apt var inte 102 utan bara Q2.

Så rätt adress är.

Emelie Lindgren
Apt Q 2
4519 SW 321st St
Federal Way, WA 98023

uppdatering om att jag lever.
Fick ett samtal av tårar från hemma - jag finns med dig i tanken, varje dag, hela tiden - jag finns med dig, du är inte ensam, jag älskar dig av hela mitt hjärta.


nu ska jag vandra prince och plugga vidare.

Love, em.

Idag har jag packat och flyttat hela dagen.
Nu kom jag precis ut ur en lång och varm dusch och klockan är snart 2 och inte en droppe alkohol har konsumerats denna fredagskväll. Imorgon är det tidig morgon igen med löprunda med Prince först och sedan är det påväg till lägenheten igen, det ska fixas, packas upp, göras fint och sen tillbaka hit - dusch och göra mig själv fin och sedan är det middag och coctails med folk jag tycker om, den 3 delen av min vänskapskrets, också känd som den nytillkomna, nytillkommen är människor jag träffat denna quarter, det är det jag älskar med USA; här träffar man folk hela tiden, inga spel och inget trams, gillar man varandra, japp då blir man vänner, gillar man inte varandra, då går man vidare till nästa vänskapsprojekt. Själv älskar jag mina vänner och jag har uppskattat dem mer än någonsin den senaste veckan och veckan innan det - då dom verkligen har visat sig vara vänner av den starka varianten.

Prince andas tungt på hans säng, borde också somna - men funderar på att ta en smörgås först.. men å andra sidan ska man inte äta efter 8 och nu har jag inte druckit så bakis mat är det inte heller och hungring är jag inte - mer sugen.. så jag säger nej och tänker att den smörgåsen kommer smaka bättre i morgon.

jag är lycklig och jag vet inte riktigt varför - men det är en bra dag att vara jag helt enkelt, även om jag just nu har varit vaken i 23 timmar utan sömn.. och ska upp igen om 4 timmar för en iskall morgonpromenad, det känns bara som om ingenting kan dra ner lyckoruset nu och det är en härlig känsla, en känsla jag kan vänja mig med..

OCH
om NÅGON eller NÅGRA känner för att göra mig riktigt lycklig till jul när jag kommer sitta hänne borta utan både snö och familj - skicka ostbågar, lösgodis och turkisk peppar!!!!!! då skulle jag bli så glad att jag inte ens skulle märka att jag var ensam över jul! KOM IHÅG ATT JAG BYTT ADRESS!

finns kalle ankas jul på youtube? en jul i seattle? det skrämmer mig.. det skrämmer mig jätte mkt..

love, em.

"A hopeless romantic person" is a sentence that I would use on me - and I am not the only one, that was how Kristen described me the last time we went to the movies. I have always been that person, ask anyone who have ever known me and they would say the same thing. I love the movies that give out the message that with love, everything is possible and to settle for comfortable is only for lazy people who lost their faith in love.

People have always told me that the movies I refer my life to is not reality and on the Hollywood glamorous screen everything is possible, but in our daily life living situation we need to stay real to ourselves and our feelings. But if I want to stay real to my feeling, I believe that waiting for that breathtaking love that lifts you of your ground and put you on top of their world. I do not believe in bad timing, personal issues or bad karma, I believe that if you truly love someone and that something is meant to be, it will be.

What I am trying to say is that I believe in a feeling and if the feeling is right, there is nothing that can stand in the way for it. The feeling needs to be mutual, the feeling needs to go both ways - otherwise its not like the happy love movie, then it's just sad, heartbreaking and something many of us faces on daily bases.
So in one way I am happy that I am what I am and believe in what I believe in, because I wont settle for the simple road, because if I did I could have been hitched of the market a long time ago if I wanted to. One thing my best friend Ewa once told me, one of the first time I met her, at the time I was still very young, and I complained about still being single, my guy friends told me I was too picky and Ewa told me "you're only single because you want to" and combine those two answers I found the real me. I was single because I wanted to and I was single because I was too picky to just pick the first guy. It wasn't that I really wanted to be single, but I didn't want to be in a relationship bad enough to just settle for randomness.
This is why I always kept trying after all those times I hit the wrong type of relationship, or wrong type of feeling, with the same eager and same faith in the fact that I would be happy one day too.
I know I am a strong person, I mean, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and everything that hits you in life make you learn how to deal with things in the future. I am also a very emotional person, which is something that could be a very bad combo. But I let my self out there and if I loose, yeah, I loose big time and it makes me very upset, heartbroken and devastated at the time but knowing myself I know that I will rise from that as well. Because being a very emotional person is something that I have learned is a good thing that pays off in the end. It takes a lot for an emotional breakdown, I have one every 6 months if nothing really bad happens, like last Monday on the day IT when the 24^th came and passed.
But when things happens to me, like one of those heartbreaking stories when the Hollywood story doesn't become your reality, I don't collapse, not for very long at least. Being a very emotional person makes me give my heart and give it my best, and if it falls apart and I get burned I get extremely sad, not functional, bed resting, crying, analysing - yeah you know, the whole package of getting your heart cut in half. I believe that it's good to let all that come out, because it goes away. If you let it all out, allow yourself to feel everything that you feel and allow yourself to be an emotional whore, things gets easier. Because hell yeah it sucks to get your heart burned, but if you keep it inside of you it will take you longer to get over it. So let it all out, and keep believing.

Believe is my other best friend Pinks favourite word and I understand why, because believe takes you further then you can imagine. I believe and I know I will get my Hollywood ending because of it. It helps me to believe in that, it helps me to believe that everything we are is there for a reason and if something is meant to be it is meant to be so there is no reason to dry your eyes, let it out and move on because what's meant to be will be, no matter how many tears you're spilling. Believing that always brings me right back on top of the game, believing that, never keeps me down on the low for very long. One thing that I stopped doing is to analyse, because if it isn't meant to be it wont be no matter how much you're trying to turn it all around, because some people wont come around, because of the fact that it isn't meant to be. You just need to be on the top of the game and believe and have faith that you will get your Hollywood story.
I mean hell yeah its easy to be realistic, but that life just seems a little to boring for me.

Never settle for anything less then the ZSA ZSA ZSU, I got tattoo onto my ankle, so I kind of have to live by it - right? And if we only live once, we should really get the chance to live the story that everyone else wants to write.

Right now I'm playing Beyoncé's new album and as I'v introduced to you all before, if I were a boy and single ladies are two favourites on her new album, but now when I just got the whole CD with all her new songs, I have a new favourite.

Broken hearted girl

If everything about you never were

The nothing I like about you could have been

But still you live inside of me

So tell me how is that

You're the only one I wish I could forget

The only one I love to not forgive

And though you've break my heart

You're the only one

And though there are times when I hate you

Cause I can't erase the times that you hurt me

And put tears on my face

And even when I hate you its pains me to say

I know I'll be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe

I don't want a broken heart

Don't wanna to take a breath without you babe

I don't want to play that part

I know that I love you but let me just say

I don't wanna love you in no kinda way, no no

I don't want a broken heart

And I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl no no

No broken-hearted girl

I'm no broken-hearted girl

There's something that I feel I need to say

Up 'til now I've always been afraid

That you would never come around

And still I wanna put this out

You say you got the most respect for me

But sometimes I feel you're not deserving of me

And still you're in my heart

But you're the only one

And yes there are times when I hate you

But I don't complain

Cause I've been afraid that you would walk away

Oh but now I don't hate you I'm happy to say

That I will be there at the end of the day

I don't wanna be without you babe

I don't want a broken heart

Don't wanna to take a breath without you baby

I don't want to play that part

I know that I love you but let me just say

I don't wanna love you in no kinda way, no no

I don't want a broken heart

I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl

No, no, no broken-hearted girl

Now I'm at a place I thought I'd never be, ooh

I'm living in a world that's all about you and me, mmm yeah

Ain't gotta be afraid, my broken heart is free

To spread my wings and fly away, away with you,

Yeah yeah yeah, oh ohh...

I don't wanna be without my baby

I don't want a broken heart

Don't wanna to take a breath without my baby

I don't want to play that part

I know that I love you but let me just say

I don't wanna love you in no kinda way, no no

I don't want a broken heart

I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl

No, no, no broken-hearted girl

Broken-hearted girl, no, no

No broken-hearted girl

No broken-hearted girl    


so live safe and love a lot and never let the chance of love go away.
Love, em.

Miss turkey, that's what I feel like now - miss turkey.

I just got home from my second thanksgiving celebration in America and this one was an amazing one, it made me more homesick then ever - but not in a bad way.
I spent the day with Pink's family - and it was freaking great. Holidays is about family, which always makes it difficult to enter a house during one of these days when you're not a part of the family, a girlfriend or boyfriend. But to be welcomed in to a house as a member of the family even though you're not is an amazing feeling, not only for myself, but for the larger picture. Where I come from you don't bring people home for family holidays if it's not a serious boy or girlfriend. This hits the next point, this is why I love the culture where I'm living right now. This culture is a welcoming one, this culture is about family and for me - that is beautiful and just the way it should be. When I grow old, get children who gets children of their own I want my house to be the spot where everyone becomes themselves, in a family where everyone is welcome - I see that everywhere in America, it's not just in the movies that we see in Sweden about the Americans holidays, it's a reality over here.

To spend this day with my best friend and her family proved once more to me what an amazing country America is and how much potential this country has, not because of a powerful government or a wealthy system - No, because of the people America is a country of greatness, America is a country with people who still believes, dreams and welcoming new people in to their life with open arms. It is beautiful to see. My mother have always been very welcoming, when you're in our house you're a part of the home, be her guest and feed yourself if your hungry and the dinner isn't served in another hour or two. I have learned from my mother how I want to be as a family runner. But to see a whole culture like this is such an amazing thing to be a part of, I embrace every chance I get to be a part of this, to meet my best friend's families and sheer moments of love and family spirit.

It's love who should concur all - who should win in the end and Americans are a loving people and that is a skill I sometimes think that we in the north forgets sometimes. Living in a society where big problems doesn't involve the same issues that big problems involves over here makes us spoiled and it sometimes makes us forget the importance in life, family, friends and the love bearing relationships.
One year ago I was a complete different person, one year ago I was a Swede in everything that I did - I'm still a Swede, a proud one - but I'm also now a part of a new culture, which I have adapt to be my own. I have learned so much about myself, and other people around me during the last year, I have learned how to appreciate and care about relationships with others in a way I never was able to do before, life was so much more then I could ever imagine. I knew myself when I came here, it was a journey to get there and when I figured myself out I found peace within myself and I found it easier to meet and interact with new people and relate to their life. They have changed me, absolutely - but not my personality, but the way I view things today. The culture of America opened my eyes for what's really important - friends and family, everything else will be okay, because that's where you come in - that's your job to fix and with your family and friends in your life they can support you and help you on your way - don't make life harder then it is, you're not alone.

Pinks family is like mine, loud and crazy. It made me miss my family a lot, but it also made me feel proud and happy, because my family is amazing and with their help and motivation I am where I am today, a 21 year old girl with a lot of life experience on my back - with their help I know myself, with their help I have always know that it doesn't matter how much life kicks my ass - with them by my side, I am never alone.

I'm huge comeback fan! I love seeing old shit shape it up and trip back all the way to the top. I screamed at work last summer when I saw the BIG news about Spice Girls one night stand comeback. I get seriously tired of people who runs to the spotlight and stays there forever, without new images, scandals or drama - BORING! Sugar sweet pop star who haven't hit low points have not reach the highest either - because you need to hit the shit to be in the definition of greatness. My favourite is Miss Britney Spears. The whole world became haters when she flipped away from reality, I cheered her on and believed that she would kick the whole worlds ass with the strongest comeback the world would ever see - or at least up there. When the whole world hated I related. How difficult isn't it for us "humans" to stay sane? We loose it, we breakdown, we search help, we flip out from reality over lay offs, love problems, stress and so much more. We struggle everyday to stay sane, to stay on top of the game and get the real picture straight from the top. Imagine then to have 50 paparazzi after you all the time looking for the perfect incident to sell big for the world to be entertained by. Imagine that your divorce and unhappiness creates headlines worldwide for the purpose to entertain! Imagine to not be able to live your own life without having people all up in your face telling you how to live and in the meanwhile the world is watching ready to judge. I would loose my mind, I would be hospitalized 70 times a year and role my life on strong drugs to be able to success and deal with the daily stress. So who are we to judge? I love it, I fucking love it - lose your mind, and get back on top - take your time, and be right back were you took of in the first place but even greater. Britney spears new album is amazing, she is amazing and she is a role model. She is not at role model for what she have achieved, she is a role model because of what she lost and what she has been through and still smile to the world with the same smile she showed us at 16 years of age, she is a role model because she is a F****** star but still a human being - with feelings, emotional crises and love problems, just like you and me.

Here is one of her new songs, which is one of my personal favourites.

Nothing about you, is typical

Nothing about you is predictable

You got me all, twisted and confused

It's so you

Up til' now I thought I knew love

Nothing to lose, and it's damaged 'cause,

Patterns will fall, as quick as I do,

But now

Bridges are burning, baby I'm learnin'

A new way of thinking now'

Love I can see, nothing will be, just like it was,

Is that because...

Behavior so unusual,

Didn't anyone tell you, you're supposed to

Break my heart, I expect you to, so why havent you?

Maybe you're not even human 'cause, only an angel could be so unusual,

Sweet surprise, I could get used to

Unusual You

Been so many things when I was someone else

Boxer in the ring tryin' to defend myself

And the private eyes to see what's goin' on

That's long gone

When I'm with you I can just be myself

You're always where you say you will be

Shocking cause I, never knew love like this

Could exist

Tables are turnin', my heart is soarin'

You'll never let me down

Answer the call, here after all

Never met anyone, like you

Behavior so unusual,

Didn't anyone tell you, you're supposed to

Break my heart, I expect you to, so why havent you?

Maybe you're not even human 'cause, only an angel could be so unusual,

Sweet surprise, I could get used to

Unusual You

Can't believe that I, almost didn't try

(When you called my name)

Now everything has changed

Behavior so unusual,

Didn't anyone tell you, you're supposed to

Break my heart, I expect you to, so why havent you?

Maybe you're not even human 'cause, only an angel could be so unusual,

Sweet surprise, I could get used to

Unusual You

I didn't feel all too well when I woke up this morning, the pressure over my chest from last night wouldn't go away. But the sky was blue and the air crispy clear - and once again, like so many times before when I hit the low-points in my life I figured out as much as no one will my life for me - so hell yeah I can stay in bed and blame myself, loose my grades, loose my immigration status, I can go on forever about all those things that I still need to pay attention to - depression is a cool thing if you're a suffering artist with lack of inspiration, or if you're crazy money lady who doesn't really need to work or focus on future plans but I am neither and therefore losing my mind over this isn't an option. Writing this makes me smile, cause I just wanna kick myself in my face - not that I'm in the mood of hurting myself, just because I'm so stupid! This is not the end of the world, it might be sad, yes - but how many times before haven't I felt this way? Nothing lasts forever, good or bad - it all got to end at some point. I talked to my baby sis today, or baby and baby - she 18 now, with a life on her own. She sight after hearing my story and I figured that she was sick of my drama but she said something else, that made me think.. "I don't know what's wrong with our family but we are all having big portions of bad luck, and everyone in different fields" So my bad luck would be relationships and people I choose to trust, well, don't we all sit on a big piece of bad luck?

I have heard since I was a child that "Em, chill down, you can't be best in everything"

Thinking about this and my reaction every time something  goes wrong makes me understand something, and my wise sister putted it together like a jigsaw puzzle without even knowing it. I am so determinate to lose. Might sounds strange? But isn't that the way it is for so many of us? We know what we are good at, so we do not need to put a lot of thinking in to the game of being winners, but when it comes down to what we are not so good at, or something where we haven't been so fortuned in before the odds are higher and we invest more then what is healthy because we are so afraid of losing. But doing that makes us fools - because we all lose at some point in our life and we also win at another point in our life. Knowing that we might lose makes us invest more emotions, which makes us put all the eggs in the same basket hoping this is my last win and I never need to lose again. I am a fool, for sure - basing my decisions on emotions and get carried away afraid of losing as big as a gamble.

I need to stand up tall and knowing that do what I do is the best I can, and if that is not enough in the end I might lose, but some things aren't meant to be, that's the beauty of life, everything happens for a reason. So I think we all need to stop being afraid of losing and appreciate all the stuff we have already achieved. Have some faith in life and losing big wont be so big after all, take it slow and let life happen the way it's supposed to happen - naturally.

Sometimes I wish it didn't take me so long to see things clear, but sometimes - time is all that you need to live by the rules of your own.   


love, em.

My mom told me today that writing blogg in English makes things way difficult, I guess it means that it takes longer to read it - but practice is a good thing - So therefore my beloved mother, I will write this blogg in the beautiful language, ENGLISH, and I love you mama.

So, today I have been a day of sadness, anxiety and panic. How it all started is difficult to say, but it was stupid and it was one of those episodes in life where you hope that you could turn back time, do it all over again and do it the right way second time around. Yesterday was the day of the 24^th, the day me and Mr X should have celebrated our one year anniversary. Yesterday was a day filled with emotions, the bad kind - you know the type of emotions you just want to get rid of, the emotions that makes your skin chill and your stomach turn inside out. I kept myself busy, ignoring the signs of need - the need to talk to someone who doesn't judge, who doesn't care about what you're about to say, who understands everything that is on your mind - I have one of those friends, but she is very far away and I am tired of calling and emailing her with bad news all the time. The question is, why are there always so many bad news in my life these days? These days, hmm.. Who am I kidding, story of my life is bad news! It's at the point where I believe that I might be a very bad person, because for some reason these things keeps happening to me - for some reason I'm not supposed to be a happy chick with blond hair and sparkling eyes at all times.
I tried something new this time, I tried to keep my emotions looked down, somewhere deep inside where no one every could find them - that way I thought, my problems wouldn't get real, the feelings that made my stomach flip would go away if I ignored them fully.
My life changed today a year ago, like so many other times in my life I took a new road, a wrong one, but a new one - I didn't have map who would predict the future and flip a red sign in front of my eyes yelling "STOP -  WRONG TURN" - or maybe there was a sign or two, but with love those signs are easy to pass by, without paying attention to what they say.
My new strategy would have worked for many people, at least for a while - but it didn't work for me. I am a very emotional girl and keeping my feelings on lookdown didn't help me or anyone else. A year ago my life changed, because I started to date a guy who I'll always remember as the person who broke me - he broke me down to the point where I could no longer see myself clear, I saw myself through his eyes and that was not a pretty picture. In his eyes there was nothing good, in his eyes I was a fat, spoiled girl that he needed to spend every hour of his life to change, he needed to change me into the person who fitted his life, his image and his dream. I lost myself with him - I struggled with wanting to stay real and stay me, and wanting to satisfy his need - he needed someone else and I wanted to be that person, because as he told me so many time - who was I to think that I deserved better? Who was I to look down on the way he treated me? Who was I to not try my best to be the person he wanted, who was I to think that someone else could ever love me? My perception of myself was way wrong, and it took me a long time to understand that. 10 weeks in Sweden helped me back on my feet, 10 weeks in Sweden helped me to find myself again. I kicked him out, out of my house and out of my life - because I do not need someone like that to walk all over what's mine. Without bruises and low self-esteem I moved on, to live the life that I created for myself, to live that I deserved.

Yesterday was a day of memories, memories of the bad kind - I once again saw myself through his eyes and I questioned myself. Not that I believe that his image of me was right - not at all. But because I blame myself, I blame myself everyday for the choice I made when I decided to let him stay in my life, a year ago. I am a smart girl, and I am a strong one and how can I end up the way I did? I wasted 10 months of my life by loosing myself to him. Yesterday reminded me of what I did to myself, not to other people or what he did to me - I blame myself for not see things clear, I blame myself because deep inside I know that it is my fault to, for staying in an abusive relationship. I should have known better, I'm raised to know better.
Yesterday reminded me of what I lost, yesterday reminded me of the scars that never will disappear and become invisible, for me and for others. He broke me, I healed, but the fractures inside of me will never go away fully.
Even though I moved on, even though that one part of me misses him or loves him - I'm still struggling with the fact that I need to accept my lot and face the reality, with the scares. Because they wont go away, and I need to accept that I can't dismiss it. Accepting is what is difficult and yesterday reminded me of the reality I need to face everyday for the rest of my life.

You might think - what more is it to it?
It hasn't even started.

My strategy as I told you didn't work - it backfired, and it backfired big time.

Someone nice, someone that I care about asked me how I was, the person could tell that something was up - when I tried my best, it wasn't enough - people can read me like an open book, my face can't lie even if my words comes out without any sign of truth or realistic signs of happiness. But I lied, I said that everything was fine, I was a bit tired, but I was happy - I'm always happy, right? Most of the time, and I guess that is the image I want other people to have of me. I am terrified that Mr X's image of will come back and hit me in my face screaming - guess what, I told you so! No one will ever love you the way I did.

We are still not there yet.

I had a beer, and I had another one, and another one and then I lost track - here is the thing, with a smart brain I should know better - and I do know better, I just thought that I was okay, I guess that is what happens when you look down everything that should come out.
I was fine, because I do not get to drunk that often - not like that. I have a limit, and I never cross to the other side. But yesterday I did.
With no food in my system, and all stress I was hiding somewhere deep inside of me - it snapped.
I was fine one minute and the other minute is a black hole, a black hole that lasted for 2 hours.
It was like I was sleeping for 2 hours and the next thing I know, I'm outside the house in the car, crying and talking about random shit that doesn't make sense and the more irritation I heard from the person next to me, the more I started to cry and the more I tried to fix it, the worse it got. It felt like my world fell apart and with the alcohol in my blood the feeling got stronger and overwhelming, and I couldn't stop crying.
It could have been a good thing - because the stress was separated from me and ran out in streams of tears down my face. Not very attractive at all, but I needed it I guess. The body said no, the body put up a big red light and I had to stop. I had to stop trying to fight my demonical friends inside of me and let them speak free. The alcohol did that, I didn't.

I lost it.
And I lost much more than that.
Understanding is a major thing in my life and I work my ass off everyday to do my part in understanding my friends, but I can only do so much if the person doesn't want me to understand. In this case I never gave the other person a chance to understand me and that is my fault. Because if I would have talked about it my tears would have remained dry last night, and that is a fact because my life is a great story right now - but me like everyone else fights my demons as good as I can.

I'm a swede, that's what we do - we try our best to deal with our shit ourselves, because other people doesn't wanna hear about your drama, they have their own shit going on. You don't put yourself out there, you stay strong until the wind passes by and leaves a silent peaceful feeling. That's what we do and I have never been good at it - because emotions and me are the same - I do everything, everyday, all the time based on my emotions. I have never tried to control them, they control me and yesterday I tried to control them and I freaked out and snapped and ruined something that is very good in my life.

I need to stand by my decision, it was a bad one, and it was a stupid one - but I didn't in hope that everything would just work it self out, I knew that waking up on the 25^th would be a day of relief, knowing that a new year took start and it would not be a year in another abusive relationship.
But the 25^th came and it became a day of another story or should I say the end of another story, a story that never really got its chance to the end, a story that never will be told with the happy ending.

I hoped that just like me the other person would understand and forgive, hug me and promise me a brighter future then the passed that I have been facing. Calm me down instead of questioning it. Understand instead of blaming. This because of the fact that I have always been that person for this person - the fact that I have turned my brain inside out to help, understand and care should have helped me when I lost myself to the exact same situation and try the best to understand my song.

This is what happens and this is why sadness and the feeling of getting burned is stronger then my own regrets for the nights episode. Because, yeah I fucked up, I messed up, I lost it, I was an idiot - but it happened and it have happened to everyone, we have all done things that we regret and we have all had emotional breakdowns that doesn't make sense to anyone else but yourself.
I hate the fact that I give so much of myself to people who seems to take it for granted, I hate to be the "go to" person but never be able to trust that these people who goes to me will be there when it is the other way around. I hate to understand when I get so misunderstood by others all the time.

I give and I never expect anything in return, I just treat people the way I want to be treated myself. I couldn't live any other way. I just wish that it would be easier sometime, I wish that I could walk away when a friend is in need because I put myself first - but I don't and I never will because to me, without my friends, I don't make sense and to be able to put up with my own life, I need to be the "go to" person if my friends needs me and have faith in the fact that someone will catch me if and when I fall, because we all do and sometimes we need a helping hand to give us a push in the right direction, sometimes we need other people to see clear for us when we are blinded by tears of salty taste.

When you give and don't get it in return, it's a gambling with feelings. I did that and it's my own fault again that I now stand alone confused, upset and very sad.

But I rather play and loose, give and not return then living the other way around and by doing that I sometimes have to wake up to days like this - knowing that I lost, once again.
Meeting new people and new friends puts you in the situation where you can't play it safe all the way, and by jumping of the bridge holding up the safe zone, you jump into a world without promises for stories with happy endings and that is another thing I need to accept and I need to deal with.

Some people wont catch you, but luckily there are people who will.
Happiness is what I have said so many times before not what you have, but what you do of what you have. I wont let this episode of my life bring me down, because I know that some people wont be that person and I also know that when I fall I have friends, friends who loves me unconditionally and work their ass off to understand me just the same way I work my ass off to do what I need to do, to be able to be there as a friend.

I have gone through something that I wouldn't want for my worst enemy, but I survived. I did rise to become a stronger person with more knowledge on my shoulders. So, so what if I have an emotional breakdown? We all do, and if you can't deal with it, maybe you should go somewhere else and I wont blame you, but telling someone that you love, and that you care and look the other way around when life gets rough is not something I would do, but that doesn't make it right or wrong for you, but it is an action I'm not even going to try to understand - because I can't relate to it.
I know my choice to keep my emotions looked down, get drunk and emotional slutty wasn't the best one, but isn't that what friends are for? To be there even when our choices might not be the best ones? Especially since I never get that drunk, never ask for anything, never ever let my emotions fly all over the place.. One time, one episode doesn't define a character, it only defines a moment and I had a bad one and in life there are bad things and there are bad things, signing up for friendship is to sign up for both. It's not a bag of skittles, you can't pick out the colours that you like - you need to pick them all or leave the bag to someone who will.

I'm sorry, I really am - but I am also upset and sad - I feel like it doesn't matter how much you do, because in the end, the other person will still do what's best for him/her.

As a friend I promise all of you I ever told I love, for you I am always there and you all know that from experience. For you I will always do my best to understand, support and not judge.
And karma kicks your ass if you don't play by the roles and Karma gave me something back today like always when times are rough - those times when you can see who your real friends are. Today and early this morning friends stepped up to be there for me, to sheer me up, to listen and to understand. When life is rough, true emotions comes through, true friends become real and you see them for what they are - the most amazing kind of gods creation, love, patient, and carrying - all three of them I see in every single one of my friends.

So, life kicked my ass yesterday and today - but shit happens and as a person I can only do so much to fix what's done and at the end of the day it is up to the world to show you fair play or ignorance and sometimes you mess things up a little to much and that is something you need to bring with you and learn from. But I can't beat myself up anymore, I did wrong I tried to do right - and there is nothing more I can do then have faith, trust and love for life.
Because hell yeah life sucks from time to time, my life isn't easy all day everyday - but guess what? Life is an amazing thing to have, and I appreciate every single day I get to live it. Because as I said so many times before, in life there will always be episodes you wish you could speed through without any problems, but there are also those times of joy and happiness and those are the things needed to be focused on.
Like now, through this mess - I know that I have so much to love, appreciate and be happy for. Like how Phyllicia shows up at my door with a dozen of roses and ice cream today.
I have amazing friends, I have a wonderful family and I have a life that I have created for myself, all by myself, I have a bright future and I have a clear conscience - that is something I believe is worth being happy for.

Because as I said, happiness is not what you got, it's what you do of what you have.
And yes I lost something that I care about, but I gained knowledge and I understood something that was important for me to understand.

And I understand one more thing.
I am not happy happy right now, laughing giggling happy. But I am happy, I'm happy with life. I am happy because I found peace within myself, because through this emotional mess I still see myself clear and I still have faith in that tomorrow will be a better day and if tomorrow wont, the day after will - because happiness and peacefulness is not what you are in a world without sorrows, it's the feeling of your actions when you're in the middle of a personal crises.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Re-focus.