EM

Be someone before you try to become something.

what used to be allright; no longer is.

Kategori: Let's do it.

 
So I was thinking today as I was heating my babygirls food in the microwave.. what if 10 years from now, new studdys come out, telling us how dangerous microwaves are and here I am heating my childs food in a microwave everyday..
Or what damage does all the technology really do? Cellphones, Wifi, laptops and so on..

Back in the days, smoking was allright - it was actually good. It helped you loose weight, cured anxciety, and many other benefits came from smoking. Wasnt true now, was it? No, became as time past us buy we started to see the effects of cigarettes..
you get the picture, yes?

All our technology today is so new.. do we know.. I mean really know that its safe?
 
Love, Em.

old smiles and laughs.

Kategori: Let's do it.

I always think too much, or I have in the past.
I always want too much, or I have in the past.

Past sentence tend to come often with me.
I used to be like that, I used to want that, I used to do that.

I plugged in my old Ipod today, and the tunes took me back to 2007-2009.
I got so sentimental I then started to go through old pictures and I don't recognize the girl in the pictures anymore.
Keith always says, looking at old picture " you look so happy in these pictures " I have always answered this statement with, what? I don't look happy now? not like you did then is the answer.
Today as I'm going through pictures again, I see what he means. 
It's not happiness - it's carefree.
I am happier today than I was then. For many reasons.
I mean, I would do anything, to have one more week out of my college years or the years after that back, when I was living with my best friend, partying it up, went on unplanned road trips, took midnight walks down at redondo talking about nothing, going to the gym to meet people, waiting for that text that never came, went on date you  wish you didn't and the high you felt after a date you wish you could re-do soon.
Yeah, it was fun. It was care free.
I didn't have to worry about the future, because I was living up my present, I didn't what you're supposed to do at that age and I realize today how blessed Im to have lived the life I have lived until I found the man I decided to settle down with.
That's why I am happier today then I was then.
It was a shallow happiness I was feeling back then, I lived for the day and my highs could just as easily become crashing and burning down.
Today, I'm most of all secure in who I am.
I might not have the future figured out yet, but I know that I have lived a life full of action, happiness, lessons and love.
I am in the inbetween land right now.
I have my best friend by my side everyday. I have my daughter who is the biggest blessing of them all.
Now I just need to take all the things I learned in my careless days and bind it together to what I can use i my life today and in my futre, how to build a career and how to move on from this midstage I'v landed on.
I have calmed down and believe me, after so many years of being all over the place, it feels good to settle down. I am happy I did live that live and that I today can move on to settle down without feeling lost or feel that I want that life back, because I don't, that girl was lost, she was crazy, she was all over the place.. Yeah that girl had fun, but damn, I would never relive those years again.
 
I wont be a blogg mom.
But I do enjoy blogging, and I'm taking it up again.
Lets see what direction it's heading.
I am letting it have a life of its own.
 
Love,
Em

the do;s and the dont;s

Kategori: Let's do it.

So, this is my thought process this am, or it has been on my mind as an ongoing train of thoughts since saturday.
As we were sitting around the table at Lillies baptizing reception I was surrounded by all the people who was there through it all, people who have helped to shape who I am - I started to think about just that, how I became me and how I am going to help Lillie become who she will be, in the future - the hugh and big resposibillity embraced my heart like thorns and that made the brain spinn in all kinds of directions!
As I was sitting around these people, I first and for most felt filled with joy, happiness and love, and it also made think about the journey we have all been on. When was sitting there at the table with my sleeping daughter in my arms and all my friends around me, friends who have been there since my early teens if not longer and we chatted it up, I was thinking about all those crazy times as we were younger, and how we become the people we are today due to the great support we have from friends and families and how much it always has helped to feel safe and sound knowing how to lean and how to move and always be in the surrounding by these people. These people helped me spread my wings, as I explored the world their support was still present - because all of the people in that room, shaped me, so they are me, as I am them, where ever I turn in the world.  
Due to ALL of my experience, good and bad, lesson learned and lessons hurt - I wonder this.
 
HOW, do I tell my daughter what to do and what not to do, what are the things she will do regardless of my input - the same way I walked my own way with the support of my friends as the support of my parents ended.
How do I tell my daughter was lessons she shall not learn on her own because they will hurt, so why learn it?
So I say this,
I hope I do a good enough job up until the day she will wander in to the school of life, where the lessons may hurt and where the homework might difficult to solve - that she will know how to lean, that she will know how to ask for advice when needed, and that she always know how to talk to us. I hope I do a good enough job so that I can trust her exploring life and test bounderies and know that if water raises over her head, she will come ask for help. I hope that I do a good enough job, that I will never have to tell her what to do, she will know what to do. I hope I do a good enough job, so that I can trust her.
I believe that trust is my key words, as I have to trust myself and keith to know how to do this.
 
The years that leads up to that are the years that will define how she handles the world and the challanges she will land up on, and it is my job to make sure she is ready for that.
No teen is a hard case of bad attitude - no child is born to walk the wrong road though life.
It is our job as parents to make sure that they are ready, it is our job to make sure we can trust them, because if we do a good job, we will be able to trust them.
I hope I do as good of a job, along with keith as my friends and family did with me - because I always landed on my feet, I knew when to ask for help, and I knew when I could handle a task on my own. I did good, because of my upbringing. yes, I was allowed to do what I wanted within reasons, but only because I was trusted, and if that trust was evere broken, I'm sure my teen years would have looked very different.
 
All I can do, is my best, and hope that this is enough the day it will come to test.
 
love.
 

motherhood.

Kategori: Let's do it.

On june 3rd my daughter was born, Lillie Elenor.
She is the biggest joy in my life and I have never known just how much you can love until I held her on my chest, 2 minutes after she came to the world. My life has completely changed since this day, in any way you could possible imagine and though all changes might not be for the best (lack of sleep is one of them) the larger picture make all those changes worth everything, everytime I kiss her beautiful little face I forget about the few hours of sleep I recived  the past night, or the fight with her father over who changed her diaper last (silly huh).. but one thing is for sure, everything changes, all the relationships in your life changes as well.
Some relationships get stronger and some of them weaker, and some relationships you thought for sure would grow the strongest is now hanging on by a thread.
All in all, to sum it up.. everything has  changed and finding myself in this new roll is not easy, but holding her makes it all worth it.
What I will loose in the process of motherhood is nothing worth compared to the love and bond I have with my daughter.
She is my family.
No matter what happens with everything else in my life, she is the one I put infront of myself and Ill always do whats best for her, always. My heart breaks knowing that there are sorrows I wont be able to protect her from, I just hope I do a good enough job raising her, to help her get through those times ahead.

love.

It's a feeling with very mixed emotions.

Kategori: Let's do it.

I have never in my life stod infront of a change as big and with more impact then this.
I'm sitting on my bed, surrounded with candles, since the power as of today offically got turned off, not because we didn't pay the bill, but because as of tomorrow this house will no longer be mine.
When I moved in here, I was horrified of letting go of the passed, to confused to see a future and to affraid to loose my presence to search for my own future and reach my goals struggeling alone.

There is a strong feelig inside of me, and I can not put the right words on what it is, but as always, I will make my best attempt to explain.
This house has so many bad memories, more bad than good ones, but all the roughness that happened since I moved in here have made me a stronger, and better person. Many things with this experiense has been hard, frustrating and heartbreaking.. I'v gone through hell and back many times around at this house, more than ever before, I have fought for what I believe in, just the way my father once thought me to act in situation where everyone is pointing and guiding you in one direction but you gladly run the opposit way.
I made a decission where nobody stod behind me.
I made a decission that was a million times harder then a different path would have been.
But as I'v always known, I think with my heart and not with my brain and because that is the way I work and act, I'm now beyond happiness, because what I believed so strong in, what I thought was right from the moment it started - in the end turned out to be just that.. right.

I'm moving tomorrow, and I'm closing one chapter in my life. What that exactly mean, I'm not sure, I just know that i'm closing one door and I'm blindfolded running towards the next one - knowing that I'm not running there alone.
I'v never before found a place with someone I'm building a future with, moved and creat a home together. I'm excited, terrified but I'm def ready.

There is nothing about this house I'm going to miss, it has been a bad experience in more ways than one, but it brought me the best thing that has ever happened to me and anyone who doesn't approve, support or have anything less than positiv to say, doesn't belong in my life anymore.

I'm inlove, my life is forever going to change tomorrow, I'm happy.. and I believe that is the key word.. through all the struggles we have been through and everything we have worked through.. and you are still the one and only person that can bring sunshine in to my life even when I feel dark and gloomy. You make me feel safe. You make me feel loved. But most of all, you are making me a better person, with you I am someone, I never thought I could be.. a good girlfriend, a good fiance.. and in the future a good wife and a good mother..

words can not describe how happy I am with you or how much I love you..
Our life together as us, is officially starting tomorrow..

Love,
EM.

whatever tomorrow brings.. 2011..

Kategori: Let's do it.

I'll be there.

I'm sitting on my sofa with a chilled glass, well deserved, chardonnay. Listening to some depressing english punk and trying to remember the year, the lessons learned, the smiles smiled and the memories that will forever be a part of my life..
But the task is hard.
2010 has without doubt been the roughest year in my life so far, it has been a challange that many times has been almost too overwhelming to deal with, but as said before, this is my life and the world will go on with or without me and nobody else is gonna live my life for me, it's kind of my job and it's prob the most important job I have.

The  year has not been a challange in the way most people would describe a challanging year, it's hasn't been all bad, but it hasn't been all good - the challange is the way they play eachother out. I would like to call my 2010 "the bipolar year with a slight touch of adhd". It has been soo horrible, the tear bank has refilled many times, the frustration has put Miss Crazy girl in my head and I'v done some things I don't even want to try to understand the reasoning behind. But it has also been a fantastic year, there has been so many laughs, there has been so many nights of joy, there has been so much love and there has been strong bonds of friendships growing even stronger.
No, 2010 wasn't a bad year, it was a year that was very overwhelming.
Everything bad brought something great, everything good brought something bad. It was the cycle of life in its most bright form of life.

The year started off with my best friend almost dying in a car accident in L.A - there were days where we coudln't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't talk - just waiting for the call. Then it was the wait to see if he was going to keep his legg when the worst was over and we knew that he atleast was going to live. When we also knew that his legg was going to live we had to figure out how to get him home, because of health he couldn't travel via public transportation or airplane - I drove 17 hours down to UCLA medical center to pick him up and the we drove straight home to seattle. Bad? yes. But my best friend moved home, my best friend changed 100% and he is now the person I always knew he had the potention to be. He was told that if he ever walked again, it would take atleast 12 months, hmm - he walked in to my house in may, 4 months hafter his accident. Look at that. He is now working, living the life of his dream and building up for the future that will be brighter than he could ever imagine before that accident, the accident that nearly killed him, saved his him - embrace.

I had my turn to the hospital after throwing up blood for 2 days I finally agreed to my boyfriend at the times attempts to take me to the ER. Two major bleeding ulcers. This is due to the fact that I never slow down, never listen to my body and think that everything will be okay in the morning if I just get one night of good sleep after one week with 20 hours of sleep.. hmm - but I'm stubborn, I refused open surgery and wanted the meds and see if they took - after one week at the hospital I felt better and wasn't forced to surgeries that has more complication to them than I want to think about. I had an amazing boyfriend who stayed by my side the whole time, slept in a chair next to my bed, held my hand every night when they came in to draw 5 dubes of blood. I learned from this too - listen to your body! Even if you're okay at the time, there is damage you can do to your body that will show years from now if you don't listen to the small signs in the moment.  I'm 23 years old and had 2 ulcers that were both 4 cm.. which is hugh in ulcer land - not normal. I framed the pictures of them and promised that I would change my life style, stop stressing and start living.

I moved twice. I was homeless for a while. I was on my way home to europe twice. changed job twice.
I mean, happening are many, stories about them are heavy, fun, borring, long - whatever.

I'v learned one thing this year, that the biggest lesson in world are the ones you learn on the way. You learn from your misstakes, you learn from others.
But the people that has slipped in to my life this year are many, are fantastic, are stupid, rude and either still next to me or allready all gone. But one thing you all have in common, you all taught me something.
And you are all printed in my head, and whatever the future brings down on me, you all will always have a place in my head/heart (haven't learned to seperate them yet).

I found this one person, who sweapt me off my feet - I didn't want it to happen, he didn't want to happen, we were both resently single, and not ready for anything serious. But the fright of loosing one another made us hold on even tighter. It has been up and down, but I guess it's called working it out. "I'v been this way with so many before, but somehow this feels like a first" I don't know how it is going to work out, if we will be a chapter or a book. But if we end up as a chapter I can tell you this, that chapter was a page-turner. However it goes, I wont regret any of it, ever. He will always be one of the most special  people I'v ever had the honor to get to know.

My friends gets it all this year though, they get all from me when it comes to gradetude, you have challanged, pushed and pulled, listen, screamed and laughed with me - as always, as every year, you show me that I am blessed with the best friends there is.

So what is 2011 bringing me?
Everything.
2010, has been a lesson learned from the start.
I have got a good lesson learned to know how to handle everything that will come my way from now. I'm ready to find a new drive, reach my goals and reach higher than the goals I'v allready set up. I don't know what my plan is yet, it depends on a few different factors in my life, but whatever it is - it will be more independent, and more self driven.

So what does that mean - It means that europe is on the future map and the lessons learned will be brought with me.
The american experience has prob been the most self-living experience  I could ever had set up for my self.
Without all this, I could not have the future I have to look forward to.
you live and you learn.
I have lived more than many people that I know, and I have learned lessons that has almost killed me on the way to get the answers.

So from here, I'm free falling.
I don't know, I don't care and I don't really want to see what the future has to bring becuase I have never been this blindsided and never been this done with the life I'm living searching for the change to come. I'm on my way. Europe 2011, that's what I promise everyone and myself.

Love, Em.

election market - why doesn't people get active!?

Kategori: Let's do it.

So, election in america.. well, we aren't voting for president and by we I mean the american people and I'm not american people, I'm an immigrant with no rights to vote.. Wish for me is awful becuase I would prob give my right arm to be able to. But not even half of my friends are registered to vote and the other half who actually are registered only half of them actually votes.. Hmm..
Don't complain or give yourself the right to an opinion if you don't pocess the right that has been given to you by birth in a life in a democratic country. If you don't make the changes or the effort to educate yourself and help to make a change, then I never want to hear a complaint from you. Then you can work your long shifts, with no bennefits with a maximum of 9 dollar an hour, before taxes.

Go you voters out there!

Love, Em.

desperado, look out!

Kategori: Let's do it.


have been on emotional drive the last couple of weeks, the kind of zsa zsa zsu that makes you feel like you're standing with one foot in heaven and the other one in hell - frustration, frustration, frustration. How to be, how to act and how to communicate - how it feels like every move can be life changing, where every move mathers.
You can't play games, but you can't be too real, you can't keep your guard up but you can't take it down. You can't wait to dive, to feel the happiness stream over you like cold water on a hot summer day. But you also know, that if you dive, the end of that fall might not be as pleasent as the scenario you're now making up in your head.. and if that happens, then what do you do? you just jumped out of a window without a lifeline - the fall will hurt. But before you fall, before you dive, before you throw yourself out there the outcome will always be unknow.
I'm there, I jumped, and I dived, I took down that wall I built up for protection. I'm now falling, without knowing the outcome, without knowing if it's going to hurt or not..
Words of wisdom - oh wow - why do I never listen?
It's never been like this - I'v never been this scared of the outcome - not because I'm less sure - but because the outcome has never meant as much as it does now.

love,
em.

Mary go round.

Kategori: Let's do it.

A couple of days ago I took Francesca to the mall - to let her go on the mary go round that she had been talking about since the last time we visited the mall. Pure and true excitement, so easy to achive in the eyes of a 5 year old.
What used to do it for me was McDonalds playland, bourn and raised on the country side, McDonalds was one of those rare occations that happened about twice a year, a celebration of life worth looking forward to.
Not a worrie in the world besides the monster under my bed named Bart.
You could walk around a whole day with grass staines on your knees.
Cry your eyes out and still be charming.
Get rewards for making your bed or clean up your room.
Eat with your fingers even if it was mac and cheese.
Brush your teeth with blue and sparkely toothpaste.
Be super excited to start school in the fall!!
wear your shoes on the wrong foot.
Wake up at 7.30 wide awake!
play outside for hours without ever getting cold.
Be so excited before christmas and birthdays that you couldn't sleep the night before.
Get tucked in at night.
Cry for attention and actually get it.
Stay home and get taken care of when you were sick.

Life of a 5 year old is pretty sweet.
But at the same time - if we today had the energy of a 5 year old or the mindset..
Get THAT excited about everything or THAT upset when things doesn't go our way..
You get the picture.

Life unexpected.

Kategori: Let's do it.

I'm laying on my bed, with mowglie sleeping with his head resting on my leggs and wondering about those questions we sometimes ask ourself, the retorical ones, the ones no one ever really have the right answers to, because there are no right answers - there are only those answers we give ourselfs, to either make ourself feel better or make up excuses for others around us - I believe I'm doing both right at this moment.
Life hit me hard last week and the weekend before that and no one is walking away as a winner and anyone who thinks they are, are highly deluded.
I have always been taught - there is always two sides of every story, but don't argue yours until you are asked, the people around you that stops and ask to hear your side of the story are the ones worth keeping around - the rest? those were never that close to you to begin with so let them walk away and miss nothing about them.
A bad person is a person that makes bad decissions with bad intention - and then you have me and the most of the rest of us who makes bad decission that are honest misstakes.
I make misstakes.
One misstake I made was to enter a situation that so many others wanted to destroy and sabotage from the beginning, fihting it, hoping it would change with time - so are those people winners now when something finally broke a part? No one is a winner in this situation, and there are no solutions to sit around and try to find. But to sit around and blame other people who allready lost, is something I can't see the point in - I'm just done, I'm done trying to figure things out.

The friends in my life don't judge, don't pick sides or finding flaws in others to either make them self feel better or de-justify an action allready been made - they support. Misstake or no misstake, heartbroken or ridiciously happy, inlove or full of hate, future goals or past regrets - they are always there, sharing my life, my experiences, my heart ache and my dreams.

Through every down, there is an up - and through every up there is a down.
But the balance in life is always symetrical if you keep trying to search for just that balance, it's there, right infront of you and you will find it as long as you don't stear yourself blind on the part that might feel overwhealming at the time. In life I try to make sure that when its shooting down hill, I'm still looking up and  that's what I have done this weekend - despite one shitty stituation that made me sick to my core, I had an amazing weekend due to friends and people around me. Despite the fact that I on one hand felt like I couldn't do much right, I felt loved, important ond cared for.

So I guess my questions wont be asked, this problem wont be solved and my story will never be transfered - but this is okay because I realized something that's more important, that I absolutly love my life and the people I have in it and situtions that draines you more then they give you energy must be removed from your life, sometimes a fix for the problem isn't enough, sometimes you need to remove yourself and learn from your experiense.

A break-up, seperation or any other kind where two stories will be created, where someone will get hurt and someone will become the bad guy - is hard, whatever side you're on, it's hard. There is no winning, there is no easy way out - but again, there is two sides of every story and if you asked for mine you're still in my life, if you didnt jump to conclussion that false accusation was true, you're still in my life. If you didn't ask at all, because you know me better than that or actually just don't care, because you know it's not you're business, then you're right next to me.

It is between him and me. not me and all his friends. this again, is not high school.
If I get heartbrooken, they hand me a bottle of wine and tell me to cry it out, without attacking the sorce. 
If I make one of those misstakes, they tell me, dude you fucked up but I still love you.
Thant's what friendship is. Those other actions, I can't speak for - it's dumb, dramatic and very immature and I don't understand it.



Love, em.

as lazy as possible - that's my storyline today.

Kategori: Let's do it.

So yesterday became a 3,5 hour worknight before I headed to Applebees to meet up with Christina and Richard, as everyone should be clear of - their boneless buffalo wings are TO DIE FOR - tdf, no joke.
Went back towards the complex where we found Liana on the sofa, eating leftovers right out of the to go box - really classy.
As the night continued conversation about politics, religion and the end of the world progressed - we ended the night at the post, as usual - me and Christina are still trying to find a new hole in the wall bar now when we're moving to Auburn, cause I doubt we wanna drive all the way up to federal way in the middle of the night to go to the bar an hour before last call.
It was one of those normal saturdays, we came, we drank, we fell a sleep - nothing worth remembering and nothing that stod out.
Today all I can think of is sleeping, my eyes are swollen - 4 days now, can't wait to get my face back! I will NEVER tan without eyewear again! I'm so lazy! I wanna go to the ocean, but the drive is to long to make it worth it when it's allready past 3 pm. Dinner and a movie tonight, that's the plan - can we stick to it? Maybe.

Today is my mothers birthday! Happy birthday! Love you!! wish I could be there!

Tomorrow I'm off - have a meeting at 7 pm, but that's it! Tuesday I'm leaving for vegas at 2.30! can't wait to get a away for a little bit! I'm back on satuday.

love,
em.

a change with no definition of good or bad.

Kategori: Let's do it.

So I’m laying on my bed, listening to music and trying to figure out how I have changed and how much my world has changed the last 3 years since I got on that airplane that took me to a new destination on the other side of the atlantic ocean. When I came here I had no expectations, life I guess has taught me that much, with no expectations, there will be no dissapointment – so I guess it came as a plesant surprise that I actually found my new destination be very enjoyeble, right from the start – with classes, new people, jello-shots and fast food drive thru. America in all it’s glory. But I think it took me a long time before I actually allowed myself to become a part of the culture, I didn’t know if I could accept the change that was about to become a part of my life and leave my past behind me.
But I did.
After 3 years, I graduated college, got a job, bought a car, signed a lease for an apartment.
My life took a different turn than it would ever have taken in sweden, because I had to grow up – that was my only choice. GROW up.
Nobody is looking out for me here, at the same time everyone is looking out for me here, we all look out for eachothers but we take care of ourself and keep our shit together.

I’m trying to compare my life, now and then. Sweden and America. But that is a mission that was failed to begin with. I cant say that my life has changed for the better, nor the worse. I has just changed and I finally changed with it. Did I become a better person? Absolutly. Did I grow up? Hard to say, I’m getting there I would like to think.  Life is harder here than it has ever been at home. I see things everyday here, that I could never dream of seeing growing up. I have friends with stories, hard to believe as the truth because of the reality in them. I have friends that aren’t criminals at all that has spent days to weeks in jail. I have to fight to be able to see a doctor. I brush my teeth 3 times a day because I can’t afford to go to the dentist. I have to think about things I never thought about growing up, face a reality my parents never had to deal with – so how is this not worse? If my quality of life according to the evidence is worse than it was growing up. Because I am better. Because this feels more real. Because I have to fight, struggle and achieve shot term goal everyday – I’m proud over my life in a completely different way than I have ever been proud over myself back home, I built this life, all by myself – I had no help, no money to start with or anyone to call friends when I first arrived here.  So for me, this world is better, because of all the bad stuff, you learn to appriciate those highs and all that good in life so much more than I ever could before. When nothing is handed to you, when you have to work for everything – everything you get meens so much more – embrace it.

I love being a swedish American, because it doesn’t matter how much my life here has changed me, or how much this feels like home at moments like this – I am and I always will be a swede to heart, because I am proud of my own country and the morals and understanding of right and wrong that I got growing up in the society I did, which is a very protected one in many aspects.
But as manytimes said before, America is like cotton candy and hard rock at the same time – and I love what it has done to me as a person.

 

Love, em.

Bubblegum and cotton candy.

Kategori: Let's do it.

Do you ever stop up and look around, and wonder how the hell did I end up here?
Well that's great, I don't.
But today I did, for one of the first times and started thinking about the past, why and how did I get here?
I'm in an emotional and physical state of life where I never found myself before - I'm very torn toward what my next step will be and until I can figure that one out I need to figure out the answer to how did I get here?

There are no logical reasons for me being here - other then the impulsive actions of a 20 year old.
That's how I got here, impuls, a feeling, a restlessness, my view on common sence.
So that's how I got here.
And I guess that's where I run in to problems because when you act on a feeling, impulse and live on your emotions, you stand still in between those reactions to life, nature or the world.
That's where I am right now. I'm standing still. And I can't move in any directions until one feeling is so much stronger than all my other feelings, and my bordom is beyond ridic - that's when I act, that's when my mind start working towards new goals.

I had an interesting conversation the other day - which made me think.
There is no logic in my world.
In my mind other peoples logic hold them back.

I'm tryign to make plans, I'm trying to set up goals, but I can't.
I'm standing still.
I can't feel anything in any direction - I know what I want to do, but I don't know when, cause decisions I make now - will cost and I am not talking about the cost of money, I am talking about life, relationships, love and connctions.
I am not ready to pay that price for my own impulsive soul right now.
So for now, I will stand still, I have goals and I plan one week at the time to reach those goals.
But I am starting to understand one thing..
Its not always about searching, traveling and running away from things.
Sometimes I guess one of the big challanges is to stay, when daily life becomes life and tomorrow kind of looks like yesterday - but that's okay for now, because that's what I need, I have been moving, searching and running away from things for the last 9 years of my life. Now I need a break, I need to live, build up relationships, take care of my friends, and just breath for a while.. Life doesn't always have to be a running battle..
I guess that's what scares me a little - I have never felt content, I have always been running. I have been on the way, on the road, towards something, someone, somehow I always manage to get there and this time.. Its quiet and calm. Life is great, life is energy and I live more than I think I have done before.
I love it.
Even if it scares me.
It's great.

And the great thing is, I know now, that when I want to, there is a whole world out there and nothing ever holds me back, because that's what been scaring me, I am scared of getting stucked if I get to content, but I now know that there is nothing wrong with building something, and actually stop up and enjoy life for a minute.

SO I guess that's my next step.
I will calm down a little, stop running and start enjoying what I worked so hard for - my life.


love, em.

mixers of the years!

Kategori: Let's do it.

So, tomorrow there is another new year celebration and I have mixed feelings about it.
I have mixed feelings about the maskerad party we are attending, I have mixed feelings about the end of the year and what has gone down the last 12 months, I have mixed feelings about the upcoming year because I have no idea what next year has in store for me - and I have no idea about what will happen after february 9th and as always when I'm scared I ignore to find the solution and I keep on moving like the dead line isn't anywhere near me.

A longer piece of my life of 2009 will be here soon.

Why am I sceptic to the party?
Becuase that's what I do, because I don't remember one new years that wasn't a complete flopp, and I don't know if that is because my expectetions are too high or if the events just in general sucks.
Lets backtrack.
- 2003 -
I had a party at home in vasterfarnbeo and honestly, I remember that party to be fun, but I also know that our thoughts of a great party aren't what they are today.
- 2004 -
I went to a party in a house in vasteras, with newfound friends and we were the youngest in the thrill and thet night ended in tears.
- 2005 -
We had a party at Carolines house and even this night ended in tears, walking home alone in the snow.
- 2006 -
We had a big party at Linus house, which was a great get together with alot of great people, it was me and my boys and then a bunch of other people showed up! it was a great party, but I ended up in Irsta for some reason and again, in tears.
- 2007 -
I had just moved back from Oslo and spent new years with Amanda, Robin and Sebastian, it was the day before I was moving to Stockholm. We drank, played games, watched fireworks and fell asleep, it was prob one of the best new years night, maybe just because we didn't hype it up, we took it for what it was, great company, food and alcohol.
- 2008 -
Lame, lame, lame.
Dinner ar my apartment.
In a mustang.
At a getto party somewhere in federal way. even this night ended in tears but also a sweet I love you.
- 2009 -
Last year was allready built up to fail, it was great, it was drunkness and it was at a bar in Kent with great friends but the rest of the crowed wasn't much to shout for. This night ended i tears.

I'm starting to realize that I prob cry more on new years then any other occation, and it's always because of some boy - I guess tomorrow might be set up for the same, but I don't understand why new years triggs it - why is new years so much more emotional for me then any other night.
Hopefully, my heart is stronger and my mascara waterproof.
Because I won't share a tear tomorrow and I will actually try my best to have fun!
Not only for me, but for my friends and for my baby sister who will spend her new years night on american soil.

love,
Em.

oh, and happy new years!

so typical.

Kategori: Let's do it.

It's so typical me.
I always seem to mess things up, so typical me.
Why do I always do these things, why can't  I do anything of it right?
Maybe I'm just doomed to fail, maybe I should just be done.

redo for sverige.

Kategori: Let's do it.

Idag har det funnits att lasa pa aftonbladet.se en nyhet som skakat om varan verklighet har dar jag bor.
4 polisman har blivit ihjalskutna av en man som kallblodigt gatt in i ett cafe och skjutit ihjal dessa 4 poliser.
Detta hande langre ner pa gatan fran vart jag bor.
Nej, sanningen ska fram och den ar att jag ar redo for att komma hem en svang, verkligheten har blir ofta - lite for mycket for mig.

mina tankar gar ut till fruar som idag blev ankor och barn som precis forlorade deras far.

love, em.

two people can play that game.

Kategori: Let's do it.


So there have been things told to me, people who randomly have asked me questions about the first weekend of july - what actually happened that weekend and what was said and done. I could play the same game. I could tell the story the way it really happend and maybe then, people would stop thinking badly about me for something that was never done - because if some of the things people ask me would be true, I would be a horrible person, but it's not true and I am not a horrible person and I will not task by task tell my story about what happend the way someone else have allready done with a twisted story. I dont feel the need to tell the world my story, I know what happend and that's plenty enough for me. But there are a few things that I feel the need to say, because it's getting beyond redicilous.

- I didn't leave anyone anywhere, I was left and a wonderful person in my life drove the car for 18,5 hours to pick me up, and the another 20 hours drive to bring me home when my sobbing made it impossible for me to drive. (and I was alone in the car with him, no one was there with me, an airplane left earlier that day to a distance far far away)
- And I also believe that everyone are always responssible for themself and can't blame other people for immatureness and drunkness, the same way as I can't be angry at someone else because I forget to close my tab and leaving the bar in the middle of the night without it.

I still don't blame anyone else for anything, I still don't feel the need of telling my story - I just needed to clear of a few key points. Sometimes people should be quiet since they are the ones in the complete wrong light and if the truth really comes out maybe they wouldn't be dancing with all the sympathy anymore.

There is one thing I would like to explain.
I don't care about this weekend and maybe that is why I dont care about my own story or what story is being told, I just don't want people to walk around speaking to language of lies.
I don't care about this weekend, I don't care about the actions of others or the long car drive home or the draining account from food stops, gas lines and motels.
I don't care about this weekend because everytime I try to care, or try to think about it, it makes me angry and it makes me bitter - because 2 weeks after this weekend another weekend was dawned on me and it was the weekend with my wedding as a big red mark on the calander and I did not have one person there from my family or friends whom known med for longer than 2 years - why? becuase I planed my wedding this date for a sertain reason and that reason left me and leaving me there wasn't the problem, the problem for me was, and always will be the fact that I was left on my wedding day in tears of homesickness and the feeling of letting my parents down because I choosed someone else to be there instead of having my whole family fly in for a new years eve wedding which originally was the big plan. So yes, I am a little bitter and I am a little angry and I'm working hard on forgetting the whole thing - but this is why a weekend in the beginning of the month isn't that important for me and I really don't care about a situation that I didn't create in the first place, what's important for me and makes the situation unforgiveble is the fact that the actions created by someone else this weekend ruined the most important day of my life and that.. is something, that I will never forgive.

But that's all behind me, but it's hard to put something like that behind me when other people can not do the same and when I get question after question that implies something that is so far away from the truth and questions that puts me in a extremly bad light.

Today has been one of these long days again and tomorrow is the last day of my vaccation time - malin and magnus left today after an amazing week with tons and tons of fun stuff on the agenda. It was so good to see my best friend and get to know her significant other better, it was a visit from home with a clear success.
We went to forks, drove up to the volcano, walked around my old campus, eat turkey in big amounts on the traditional thanksgiving day, bowled, drank pitchers with beers, played beerpong, walked around downtown seattle, went on a boat trip in the bay, eat good food, went to a bar on capitol hill, had a swedish christmas with food from ikea.. we had a really good time, and a very busy  time so tomorrow is a resting day from my vaccation.

Tuesday is my first day back at work and then I will be hitting it hard until my last day there february 9th and then february 16th I will once again stand on swedish soil hugging my beloved family again, my family that I miss so so so much.

love, em.

its a new moon tonight at 12:03.

Kategori: Let's do it.

We have now been sitting waiting on a floor to be let in to the magical venue were shit will go down tonight. My butt is numb and my head is heavy and my whole body is full of pure excitment. This would be the perfect, wonderful and extremly roughly rock'n'roll if the venue was a full night of hardswinging guitarrs and vocals on the run.. But no, the venue tonight is a movietheater and there are no such things as numbered seating in america - you sit wherever you want to and you sit where nobody else allready parked their fat ass. Soo, this is what I'm doing with my thursdaynight - I'm waiting hours and hours to get the crazy rush from my twilight world! New moon, the second movie is in two hours on the white screen. The knowledge of the fact that sweden allready seen it because of the time difference. My sister allready knows the movie.. Its dragging out, I'm tired as hell and I would love my bed more now than ever! Love em!

moving out.

Kategori: Let's do it.

So, there is plenty of drama to go around the block.
I'm out of the apartment, or I will be on saturday.
It's been so much drama and so much energy spent wrong and there is so much more complication to it than I can ever describe.
short one? I got one of those - but I'm too tired and drained to focus on that one either, right now everyone I know are on moving duty!

So there will be a new address coming up here anytime soon - not that you people in swedland are too good on sending me stuff anyway (hint hint).

More information is coming up.

love, em.

svine flue?

Kategori: Let's do it.

So, I'm in the top 1 riskfactor / I work with children.
I should have been first in line to get the vaccin and here I am, sick, not the svine flue, but sick.
Which means the my systems aren't on top and I gotta go to work, asap. Which means that I got get whatever crap they got, easy.
But I don't believe in it. I don't believe in the flue or the dangerous behind it - I dont believe in the vaccin and I have no idea whats in it and the research is spotty.
So, Im staying strong!

I got a comment, a question, do I not remember my first boyfriend?
Of course I do. I remember everything, but there is no deep in my memory.
I don't remember the strong feelings I had or how it felt.

love, em.