EM

I didn't feel all too well when I woke up this morning, the pressure over my chest from last night wouldn't go away. But the sky was blue and the air crispy clear - and once again, like so many times before when I hit the low-points in my life I figured out as much as no one will my life for me - so hell yeah I can stay in bed and blame myself, loose my grades, loose my immigration status, I can go on forever about all those things that I still need to pay attention to - depression is a cool thing if you're a suffering artist with lack of inspiration, or if you're crazy money lady who doesn't really need to work or focus on future plans but I am neither and therefore losing my mind over this isn't an option. Writing this makes me smile, cause I just wanna kick myself in my face - not that I'm in the mood of hurting myself, just because I'm so stupid! This is not the end of the world, it might be sad, yes - but how many times before haven't I felt this way? Nothing lasts forever, good or bad - it all got to end at some point. I talked to my baby sis today, or baby and baby - she 18 now, with a life on her own. She sight after hearing my story and I figured that she was sick of my drama but she said something else, that made me think.. "I don't know what's wrong with our family but we are all having big portions of bad luck, and everyone in different fields" So my bad luck would be relationships and people I choose to trust, well, don't we all sit on a big piece of bad luck?

I have heard since I was a child that "Em, chill down, you can't be best in everything"

Thinking about this and my reaction every time something  goes wrong makes me understand something, and my wise sister putted it together like a jigsaw puzzle without even knowing it. I am so determinate to lose. Might sounds strange? But isn't that the way it is for so many of us? We know what we are good at, so we do not need to put a lot of thinking in to the game of being winners, but when it comes down to what we are not so good at, or something where we haven't been so fortuned in before the odds are higher and we invest more then what is healthy because we are so afraid of losing. But doing that makes us fools - because we all lose at some point in our life and we also win at another point in our life. Knowing that we might lose makes us invest more emotions, which makes us put all the eggs in the same basket hoping this is my last win and I never need to lose again. I am a fool, for sure - basing my decisions on emotions and get carried away afraid of losing as big as a gamble.

I need to stand up tall and knowing that do what I do is the best I can, and if that is not enough in the end I might lose, but some things aren't meant to be, that's the beauty of life, everything happens for a reason. So I think we all need to stop being afraid of losing and appreciate all the stuff we have already achieved. Have some faith in life and losing big wont be so big after all, take it slow and let life happen the way it's supposed to happen - naturally.

Sometimes I wish it didn't take me so long to see things clear, but sometimes - time is all that you need to live by the rules of your own.   


love, em.