EM

There is no other feeling then sad guilt running through my system at present time, there are not words in the world that can describe what I felt when my mother called me and told me that my aunt passed away on Sunday.
Last time I saw her was in August, right before I headed back to America, right before I turned my back on the life I used to live to keep living the life that I created for myself, far away. I promised that I would write, but I never did. She told me that she was scared; I told her that I understood. When she hugged me goodbye she knew it was the last time she saw me, I could see it in her eyes but I choose to ignore it - which was a selfish action and that is something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life.
This taught me a lesson, a lesson of life and death, a lesson of family, friends and love and a lesson of connection with your own being.
My aunt had everything going for her self, she was beautiful, she was smart, she was driven, she loved and she did put her self out there over and over again, she met the good ones and she met the bad ones and time and again she kept moving forward, trying to rebuild herself to become the person that she wanted to be. She travelled, she loved and she cared. She had a bright future but somewhere along the road life got to hard, something along the road killed her spirit.
She died alone, she died the way she has been living for the last decade and a half and for that I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
Where she was in her life at 21 is where I am in my life right now, the way people used to describe her is the way my family describes me today. My father always use to tell me how similar we are, me and my aunt, how I remind him so much about how she used to be, before the rough life took her spirit and eliminated it.
It scares me.

If I am the way she was, that means that I can end up like her and die alone without happiness right next to me. Life is rough on me and more then I would like I need to play the strong card and keep putting myself on top of the game again, just the way she did, and it scares me that even my spirit will die eventually and I will end up with alcohol as a close friend and loose loved ones, friends and family on the way. Because if we are so similar isn't it a possibility that her destiny also will become mine?
The smallest things made my aunt happy, her dog, us children and her beloved little brother, also known as my father. She lived for the day and everyday was a battle for her to get through. She was a fighter and I admire that, but at the same time I can't help but wonder, what did she fight for? And not being able to answer that make the admire I feel for her grow even stronger. I wonder if she had any regrets, I wonder if she could relive her life, would she do something different the second time around? That are questions that I never will find the answers to, because I was too afraid to ask.  
I let her down.

It makes me sad and upset that she wont have a loved one, or a child or a close friend from those crazy high school years of her at her funeral. I makes me upset that so few people can see her for what she was. What is she leaving behind?
My biggest drive in life is the make a change in someone's life, big as small but worth remembering, so that when I die, I feel like a made one life a little brighter, better or more clear to face the world out there.
The question is, what is my aunt leaving behind? And if you don't leave anything behind worth remembering, what was the point of your whole life?
She had a purpose in life, she just got lost on the way, but I saw her and her life and her death have an impact on me if no one else, so I guess that she did leave something behind because despite a life that might seem tragic to many, she was also love, she was my aunt and she believed in me many times when other people didn't. She encouraged me to be more then I ever thought I could, she inspired me to follow my heart in every situation and keep fighting even those times when life was rough on me.
I am proud over her, because 10 years or 20 years doesn't define a persons life, what's important is the big picture and just like me my aunt loved life and she lived it to the fullest at all times and life might have kicked her ass a little to hard, but I rather live ones then live a whole life without ever living.
I wont loose my spirit, because she inspires me to keep fighting and keep living the happy life, I'm strong, not because of her but because of all those things she told me about her present life. I know in my heart that I never want to be in a situation where I tell someone about how happy I used to be from a seat where I no longer can feel happiness in a present moment.
Her life isn't a sad story, her life is an important story, a story that tells us that it's never to late, and it's always important to never stop fighting for what you believe in and never stop searching for that happy ending we all dream of having. She might not have lived the happy ending, but she was happy somewhere in between, she told me about the days at university, those days travelling, those days being madly in love, those days of wonder and one thing is true and clear, she did live and she was happy and in the end, that's all that matters.

We just need to remember that she was more than she was in the end, and we all need to remember that everyday in life can be our last one, so don't wait till the end to start living.

Rest in peace Lisbeth Lindgren, and I admire the life you had and in the end you were stronger than all of us. You gave me something no other person ever can give me, you gave me a plan. My plan is to live, live as long as I can, and make everyday as important as I can. If I only have strength to hold it up for 10 more years, damn then I need to make those 10 years count even more and if I'm alone on my funeral I will know that I ones up in a time, I was surrounded by living, happy, laughing and dancing human being.

I love you, and once again, words cant describe how sorry I am or how much it hurts. But that leads me to the other lesson learned, always and always for ever remember to tell all those people you love that you love them and never make a person that you love feel alone or not loved.

I love you - R.I.P

Love,

Em

PS. uppdatering om de senaste veckorna kommer innom kort.

The last month has been a month of reflection, a thought process that never seemed to see its final destination. Last week I reached a final point, that made me see things from a different point of view, when the anger calmed it self down and the present moment didn't feel like a thunderstorm anymore and my thoughts actually made sense to me and to people around me. I ended the venting process for a week and turned to myself; I stopped analyzing other people's life and started to figure out my own place in the whole situation.
I know me, and I know how I work and I know how I treat other people and that's the only thing that I can keep response for, the rest, is something I need to let go of because there is nothing I can do to effect other people to become something that they are not.
I treat people the way I want to be treated myself, I care for people the way I want other people to care for me, I'm there for people the way I want people to be there for me when my life isn't seeing the brightest of days. I live life that way, because at the end of the day all I got is myself and if I'm not true to myself and live life the way it's supposed to be lived I loose the biggest battle of them all, the battle of become the best you can become as a human being. Living that way I get hurt many times, I meet people who take advantage of this and treat me differently than I believe that people deserve to get treated. I have heard since I was very young that I am too nice for my own good - but here is the thing, I am the person that I am and people that screws me over are the problem, not me being to nice.
Yes I get hurt, yes I hate being treated the way a few people have treated me the last year but at the end of the day, I can sleep well at night knowing that I didn't treat anyone wrong and if I did I'll always do my best to fix what's done, move on and learn and never again repeat the mistakes from the past. I'm not the one who has to live knowing I treated someone else very wrong; I'm not the one who has to go to sleep knowing that I have been a complete asshole. I can only be the person that I am and then it's up to the world to show me fair play. In a soccer game it's the person who plays ugly who gets the punishment and not the person getting hurt. I might be hurting, I might have been able to do things differently to not get hurt, trust less, care less, feel less - but even if I'm hurting from everything that's happened the last year, I'll heal and I'll move on and grow stronger. The people who did me wrong, can never escape from the past and the people and the person who did me wrong will always know that. So in the end, who wins? Even if it sucks in the present, the future might be brighter by being the bigger person in present, which one they will become the past. So I believe that being the bigger person always gives you the reward of victory, don't sink down to other peoples level if you deep in your heart know that's wrong, because that makes you the same type of hypocrite.
Let people talk, don't talk back. You know the truth, and you know who you are so why dignify stupid behaviour with a respond? Because even if someone else talks to make themselves feel better, it doesn't make it true and it doesn't make it right. They know in their heart that it's wrong and that's something that they will have to live with.

So say whatever, because in the end it tells the world more about yourself then it will ever tell about me or anyone else your comments are directed to.

Be yourself, follow your own values and surround yourself with people who share those values, and let all those other people enjoy their own drama and let those people live with their own flaws.

In the end, you will win, just by being yourself - the good side always wins, right? I'm a hopeless optimist when it comes down to right and wrong, so lets hope that the world in the end show me some fair play.

Love, Em.  

So Saturday night, yeah - was one of the good ones, even though my feet were killing me half way through the night, luckily Jennifer were borrowing my Steve Maddens for the night, so she had to jump into my BCB girl 7" and I jumped down in my 6" Steve Madden without peep toe. Heavenly! That's the feeling when your feet are absolutely killing you and you can put them out of their misery, without actually killing them!
I drove downtown, Ian and Jennifer were singing to Pink and single ladies all the way down, since I had to concentrate on the road and the rain that was poring down I wasn't the most social individual in the car, but they took well care of each other.
We stopped by Beshirs' downtown, we had a bottle of wine and continued the night at cowgirl and inc, sexy! God, I want a body like the girls on the bar! Can't believe I was dancing on that very same bar on my 21^st birthday, uh! Nightmares! After cowgirls we went to a gay bar, our place - loved it. The music was amazing, the rednecks were gone and the present people were beautiful to look at - even thought they were all gay gay gay, they are damn hot most of them and it takes me on a mental trip to Europe were all guys looks gay, this is not a bad thing, at all - it's hot.
After that I tried my first street food, it wasn't good - god damn it, I can't believe I did that, promise I have all kinds of deceases now! Taxi back to downtown were my car was parked, my first comment when we got in to the car was "don't you guys dare to fall asleep" and both of them were sleeping before we even hit I-5, luckily me I had my phone and lovely friends who wanted to speak to me!
In federal way we stopped at jack in the box and both of them were fully awake! Jennifer stole my mozzarella sticks, or one, or actually a half one, "my STICKS!" and I hit the curb and Jennifer dropped the food and we all thought we were going to die, drama!

We got to my place, fell a sleep and woke up the day after, end of story..

OR?

Actually yes, because yes, other things happened - but nothing that I want to write about, because it was information the reached me that wasn't supposed to reach me and it hurts me and it upsets me and it puts me in a wired situation and there is nothing I can say, it's not my business and it was information that never been trusted me, it's information I wish I didn't have, therefore that night was only a night of fun, because I choose to ignore the rest, not only that, but I also after that weekend made the decision to take a millions of steps back when it comes to a lot of people. I can't trust people, that's for sure, because I always seem to trust the wrong ones.

Christina is meeting me to go to the gym now, then it's bed time, and then it's only two more days before it's weekend again - I couldn't be more excited! God I wish senait was here, but I survive with Beshir and Zaide, because sometimes this culture kicks my ass and it's a good thing that I have some sanity in it all.

Love, em  

SO last night was one of the intense types of night - but it was fun. Got off work and felt some proud in the fact that I just finished my first working week, driving home on I5 felt amazing, knowing that I actually do live the life I want to live right now. Stopped by the gym even though I really didn't have the time to do that, but 4 miles on the treadmill was something I felt like I had to do knowing that the weekend would involve alcohol, greasy food and cigarettes. After that I was invited for some yummy food at Maria's' place, wine good food and amusing company, good start for a Friday night and I got the good feeling of drinking your first glass of wine and smoke the first cigarette after a healthy hard working week! We ended up going to Billy's' after dinner for more drinks. This is what I love about America and how it's different from Sweden, yes I do miss the pre parties and getting ready together with friends to hit the club on a Friday night, the way we do it in Sweden, but randomly going to the local bar is a nice.

In America everything is different from what it is back home and it's not always a good different but peoples attitudes here are way different and I love it! If you do go out to a bar in Sweden the girls gives you dirty looks or they ignore you, the guys tries to hit on you to bring you home for one night only, like it's a specialty for the night - one night, one time only, we call it the one night stand and there is nothing special in being someone's one night stand. Here people talk to you, people are friendly and openhearted and I love that. Victor who just came here from Sweden to visit his girlfriend, my Maria, noticed this last night when 4 complete strangers set down at our table, 1 girl and 3 guys, very friendly! He thought we knew them from before, but we just met them outside smoking. Exchanged numbers and talked today, suddenly you have some cool new friends. In Sweden it's almost impossible to meet and interact with new people you don't have any connection with them from before, and since I am the type of girl that I am, I like the American way of socializing.

Today was a relaxed day, spending it with Pink at the mall and then I went out for food at Applebees with Christina, we always go out for food on Saturdays, it's are spending time together and spending money on something yummy to eat time!
I was supposedly going to port Orchard with Christina tonight, but I'm going to do that some other weekend instead, it's far away! So instead Jennifer is now on her way here, and we're getting ready to hit Seattle, meet up with Beshir and all of them to hit the club, I'm ready for a fun night out, not that I didn't have it last Saturday, but I'm getting back to party mood. I realized that I have those episodes in my life where I sometimes like to go out and then I mean go out a lot, like every weekend and sometimes I mostly go to bars and hang out with people I love a care about instead of wandering the streets of Seattle in the middle of the night. I haven't had the party gene since I moved to America, years of bar humping in Västerås got me burned out and I didn't feel like going out as much as a I used to, but now I'm back on track again and the little black dress and the 7" heels are on! Well, not yet, but the will be on, after a shower and some make up - pictures will be up shortly!

I'm starting to get homesick and confused about the future, but I wont deliberate those thoughts right now, I need to stop being so impulsive all the time.

But it would be nice to see my friends and family, it's getting hard knowing that I might not see them in a very long time. But you're all the best I have and I miss you everyday, but I also know after this journey after high school that I do have some amazing friends in my life.

So I hope your weekend is as good as mine and that you have just as fun as I'm having.

Love, Em.    

Tomorrow it's finally Friday, a day I have been looking forward to the whole week. I'm so not use to working, and especial not like this. Leaving my house at 6 am and not getting back until 6 pm, just to run inside, change and go to the gym, get home for real at 10 pm, shower, eat and then fall asleep and then wake up and do the same thing all over again, social life - no! Monday trough Friday is a mess is all about work, working out and Prince. I have like 20 emails to answer on Saturday and 2 important phone calls to make. I love it, but it's difficult. I am so not use to this schedule, but I guess it will come with time, right? I will get use to it.

I got asked out at the gym today, and for the first time I felt the need to say yes and that I had the right to do it. There are different types of breaks in life, sometimes you don't want to move on because you still believe, and have faith for the future, so you let it be and you try to move slowly but not to fast - or that's how it is for me, because if I fully move on, there is no way back. Sometimes the timing is off, without hurt feelings or emotional breakdowns you go separate ways, and hopes for the future might still be a factor. This time I'm emotional drained and hurt and therefore there were no hope for the future, therefore my choice was to move on and the quicker the better! Friendship is a different story, but emotional I moved on faster then I have ever done, because when a relationship is rough, you're always on the edge, you're always prepared for the worst outcome and now, when it came, for the last time I was emotional ready to jump in to the future and live my emotional baggage in the past. It feels good. The reason why I say that there is no way back for me when I move on is because when I make that decision, to move on, I do it with the same determination as I do everything else in my life. So when I move on, I leave all the emotions and feelings that I had in the past right there, in the past and in the future I bring memories and a friend, but all the rest is left and as we all know, we can never go back in time to pick up where we left off. If anything will ever happen, everything needs to start from a fresh start and the past must still be in the past.

It's night walk time with Prince, and then it's time for me to hit the bed, I'm tired. As hell! Yeah, I have other news as well, I got bangs now! Fully cover my for head and goes all the way down to my eyes, it's long and sexy and I can barley see, but I actually like it, even though I def regret it! Just remembered when my hair was falling down next to me, just how long it takes for it all to grow back out again.

Sweden? Not in a long time now.

But I'm in no hurry - friends, it's time for all of you to come here, I have been here for almost 2 years now, been home twice, I don't think I need to play the guilt trip game, it's your turn! Amanda and Emelie are planning, so that's close! Just get the planning done and come, ASAP!

Love, Em.

2008 became the big lesson of my life so far and hopefully I will take the experience from the past year into 2009 and learn - because as we all know, we live and we learn and life doesn't provide a map of directions till the perfect destination, we need to take some detours to become the people we will be. 2008 was a bump in the road, a struggling journey uphill, but we need to slowly move uphill from time to time to reach those highs' that makes life the journey we want it to become.

Without pointing finger at curtains situations involving people with real names, I'll try to include the main points of the journey that took place 2008.

•-         The year had a rough start, we all know that. When you see a loved one loosing hope in life and you're standing on the side watching this person falling deeper into its' own darkness, and there is nothing you can do to stop it - your feel powerless. We tried, we lost but this person won in the long run and we grew stronger from the experience and we grew stronger bonds of friendship. We all learned something from this experience, we learned just how much we are willing to do to help a person in need and make the right decision giving up and hand it over to people with professional experience, as a person you can only do so much and sometimes the right thing to do is to let go - so, we did, and in the big picture, we did the right thing.

•-         Sometimes in life you meet people who will change you forever, people who put you through good or/and bad experiences, this was a bad one. Mr X was my greatest mistake but it's also one of those mistakes I'm grateful to have experienced, because it changed me and it's still changing me even though he has been out of my life for a long time - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I lost myself to his image of me, and it made me questioning myself and today because of this, I am more aware of who I am and for that, I'm grateful. To understand that other people wont always treat you the way you deserve, is an important lesson to me - because when they don't, you need to step out of it - no one else can do it for you. This experience also thought me how much my friends loves me, and as everything else we go through, we are never alone while we are doing it and this experience made that clear to me - yes I had the relationship experience from hell, but the whole time I had friends standing behind me to help me up every time I fell back in a trash hole many of us never thought I would get out from, but I did, hurt - yes, and all because of friends who gave me the courage to get out of it! Because you need to be strong and brave to get out of a relationship with that type of label.

•-         I also learned that escaping can sometimes be the only realistic way out of a situation that's not meant to be solved. Since I lost my self image I escaped to the safe zone of my friends and family in the country and the culture were I'm born and raised, were everything is familiar and safe, an environment I easily could see myself from the right view again. I guess I didn't really escaped, I more of took a break. Like a soccer coach would do if you don't play the way you normally do, he takes you of the field, coach you, and put you back on the field, hoping you will do better the second time around. I did go back; I left my safe zone and brought memories of another amazing summer with people I trust with my life, new connections and bonds of friendships. I came back, stronger then ever and I got my life back on track - with other peoples love for me as my biggest motivation, how could I be a bad person if all these amazing people love me? I learned the importance of taking a break, and find your focus and then get right back on it! It's like riding a horse, if you fall of, you calm your self and the horse down, and you jump right back on it!

So what about other experiences?

We live life like we choose to live, or most of us do - but we don't learn from our own experiences only! What about all the people around us? If you don't see the experiences in others, wake up - take a look around instead of steering in blindness of your own journey. - - -

- Other people might have a big impact on us, if we let them! I let them and I learn from people around me everyday.
I saw a friend struggle with school, she failed but jumped right back on it and signed up for next semester, afraid of failing again but with a bigger motivation of winning then ever before, she gives me motivation of keep on fighting all those challenges that I face on a daily bases.
- I saw friends go on bigger journeys, like my self, but with different experiences and hopes for the outcome. I saw them finding themselves and head in different directions then they before the journey to the deep countries of Asia, studies in Europe and volunteering in south America. I saw them finding themselves and see their future with brighter eyes, the way I one time saw myself struggling with my self image and finding my spot in life of travelling. This confirmed my illusion that travelling and getting to know that world you're living in, help you to get to know yourself and know the person you are and succeed to be the person you will become.

- I learned about love from other peoples experiences, I saw people fall in love, I saw people fall out of love and I saw people struggling in bad relationship and then force themselves out of them. But for two people in particular I saw the struggling with love, even when it's the best. The love between two people and a relationship that is judged by loved ones, by society and by religion. I saw them facing the fare of what others might think, I saw them walking hand in hand, proud of the love that the shared and for that, I love them even more as friends, because the actions of people tells you a lot of who they are. This are people who always believes and two friends who always stands strong by my side, seeing things clear when I struggle.

- I learned about cultures different from my own, and that helped me to see my culture with clear eyes, as Morrie says in Tuesdays with Morrie (which is a book you all should read), "if the culture doesn't fit, be brave and stand out from the norms" and that's what I have been doing my whole life, but not until this year, living with people from all the corners of the world, I really understood the purpose of understanding the culture you're living in, because if you don't understand the culture you're from, how can you ever understand and know yourself?

- I saw my best friend become a mother to the beautiful baby Stella, get married and pregnant again.. what a life shaker..

And all these people

Every year you meet new people, some of them will have a big impact in your life and by keeping your mind and heart open for these individuals, you might end up with some great new people in your life and this year have not been the year of disappointment even if my year started of that way, I met some amazing people on the way, who moves me forward instead of holding me back.

•-         my roomies from Auburn, Jinah, Irene, Poppy, Chea and Febby have all been great new people in my life, people a adore and people I respect - they all thought me something while living in the house and they are all people I will carry in my heart forever.

•-         Alen Jugo, he came in to my life at the wrong moment, the wrong year and the wrong time in my life, but he changed me and he was my wake up call of what I really deserve in life, he helped me through one of the hardest episodes of my life and he moved me forward. He became one of the most important people in my life, and for that I will be him forever grateful.

•-         Miss Christina Manning, she was the girl in my gym class who wasn't 16 and right out of high school. With years of experience of life she became one of my closest friends quickly after our first meeting. She got it all, everything a good friend shall have - she is a good listener, she give the best advices, she is the kind of person you can both cry and laugh with. She is a great inspiration of living life and moving on from those episodes that sometimes keeps you stuck in the past.

•-         Nana Asso! My Japanese angel of sin haha, she has been my greatest support and the person who tells me the truth when I don't want to hear it or when life just sucks and you need someone to kick you in the right direction - she is that person, brutally honest and makes you laugh when you just want to cry.

•-         Mr Johnny Gannaw, have a million things to say about this person, he is one of the good ones, and the kind of person that makes you believe that there is a higher power who sometimes send people in your direction. An amazing friend, and also one of those you will keep in your heart forever and hope always will stay in your life as the good friend and person that he is.

•-         Jennifer Wood, is one of those new people in my life who brings an extra energy kick to the table. She is nothing like anyone else of my friends, but I also believe that's why I like spending time with her, because she is fun, crazy and brings tons of energy - it's an easy person to like and I'm very happy that she is a part of my life.

•-         The Swedes, the new ones when me and Jeanette became to regular. Sara, Linda and Sofia and the boys, Markus, Victor and Stefan - some great and genuine reality in the middle of the American culture, gave one or a few wake up calls! Wonderful people.

The people in my life

The people in my life are also represented as the love of my life, these people are the oldies, these people are the ones who sticks around no matter what, the people who have around long enough to face the challenge of real friendship - you know those moments of sorrows, those moments when you see who your true friends really are, and these are the people worth spending energy back to, because you know that they don't drain you, the always receive, yes, but they also give so much back. These are the people I call my friends, the loves of my life.

•-         Ewa is my bestfriend, my partner in crime, my loyal other half who always listen, never judge. She has been there for me more then anyone that I know, and she is the one telling me the truth when I don't want to hear it. She is the friend that knows everything there is to know about me, and when I'm really low, she is the only person to lift me up again, she knows me well enough to know what to say, she knows the history and therefore she can push into the future.

•-         Malin is my oldest friend, the one who knows absolutely everything about me but loves me anyway, she was there in 1^st grade, first boyfriend, first love, first drunkenness, first S*X, first heartbreak, parents divorce, fights with friends, soccer team, graduation, travelling - I experienced a part of the world with her and she experienced it on her own later on, she grew more then I have ever seen a person grow and I'm so proud.

•-         Karin, she is my rock through it all, the mama! She has been taking care of me since the age of 13, with her wisdom and clear view of life, she told me that no matter how hard life is, things always gets better when I was crying over some stupid 13 year old drama and yet today I live by those words. She became a mother and a wife and her life took a complete different direction then mine, but we still find our space that's only hers and mine, were we can be ourselves in each others environment.

•-         Hedvig, the person I had my kickers' days with at the age of 12, my best friend and she always will be. She graduated university in June 2008 and has now been travelling Australia for months, she lived her dream, like she always said she would.

•-         Elin Malmqvist, she is one of those friends were everything comes naturally with, it can be months without a word but things are always the same, we understand each other completely even though we haven't talked in a long time - She is making big steps in her life right now, and I'm proud of her.

•-         Elin Carlsson, the best carlsson in the world! She makes my life rock'n'roll, she is the person who is there for you regardless, who sticks up for you at the club if a cheesy looking guy grabs your ass, the person who takes long walks in the summer nights with you and makes fantasies about the future, who makes you dinner when you don't feel like cooking, who do your make up when you feel ugly. She started her own company in September 2008, broke her self away from her old job that she hated and she makes me so proud, she was scared as hell but she did it and she is an inspiration.

•-         Daniel, Daniel and Fredrik, what can I say, it's funny to see what we have become since high school, but all 3 of you make me proud in many different ways, mostly because you stay yourselves and live life for the moment and you live is as it feels right living it for now.

•-         Joakim, you have moved so far in your life since the day that I met you over 10 years ago. He became a father in May 2008, and seeing him change have been such an amazing experience.

•-         Charlie!!!!! My best friend of the opposite sex, and no he is not gay. He is the kind of guy that I can sit around with for hours not talking at all and still be completely content, sit at a café with coffee and magazines, or just looking at people walking by and making up stories about who they are. But he is also the person in life I can have the deepest conversations with - about life, politic, society or people in general. He is an amazing person and he will be famous one day, the world better be ready because he will achieve greatness and reach every goal he sets up for himself! He have achieved so much all ready, from the day I met him at 13 when his hair were read and spiked and he wore a superman t-shirt, until today when he wears his hear trendy and dress up on a daily bases.

•-         Pink, she became my best friend in the states very quickly, she was sparkling and happy, outgoing and friendly, easy to like and but hard to get to know - but I got to know her and I became one of her closest friend. We have been through a lot the last year and our friendship has been challenged many times, but somehow we always manage to put us back on track and I guess that says a lot about or friendship.

•-         Kristen, there are many episodes from the last year I wouldn't have managed on my own without her. She was also one who helped me start eating when American food just scared the shit out of me, oh, wait, that was 07.. what happened with the time? She became a very important person very quickly and in that circle she will stay forever.

•-         Chris and Robert, they make me laugh - friends who make you laugh are rare and you need to keep them close.

•-         Senait, she is the person who calms me down, who listen and never judge, who support and push me into the right direction. Her wisdom is beyond it all and we are each others opposites, which makes our friendship even stronger.

•-         Beshir, we have the same struggles with the American culture, misses the same thing about Sweden and can have the deepest conversations, when we at the same time can laugh hysterical about something so stupid not even worth mentioning.

•-         Zaide, the other wise woman in my life. She knows what I'm feeling, even if I don't tell her and she always seems to call or text at those rare moments when I do need to get it all out of my system, she is one of the strongest people that I know.

•-         Mahad, what can I say, you make my laugh, like the big brother I never had - ehm, what, you're like 1 month older then me huh?

•-         Amanda, such a beautiful person with great skill of listening but also the great sense of humour to laugh with, she is smart and she is smart when it comes to everything, not only school, but life as well - she sees things clear that most of us still struggles with.

•-         Erik and Sheldon, there is to much to even try. Save your drama for your mama.

•-         Maria, she is around, she understands, she is crazy - but I do really love it. She helps me up all those times when I need a helping hand.

So what do I do for the future?

2008 was a year to take as an experience and move it to be something great for the future. I figured myself out a long time ago. But there are still situation I must learn to know how to deal with and how to separate things in my daily life so that one factor doesn't completely affect another factor in my life, that is something I have been working on, but there is still a lot more to go, especially since my emotions more often than what is convenient effect my daily life. But what I will focus on this year is to find that feeling, that feeling of peace, where nothing around you ever will effect you, because you're so peaceful, just being yourself and you can see answers, analyze and understand actions of the people around you. I know I can't control everything and I know that I can't force things to be something that it's not meant to be, but it can sometimes be hard to step down and let go of the control that is the only thing that you have to keep you in control over the situation and have some faith that it will work out regardless of what you do or don't do.
I had to slow down, breath and not keep following the road I was going, which was a scary road to stop following - but I did, because it didn't felt right. I got in to 6 universities in 4 different states. But sometimes the plan that was meant to be, looses its meaning halfway there, so why keep fighting for something that you no longer want? Yes it's a good thing to follow your dreams, but dreams changes and I choose to be true to the person that I am and follow my gut to whatever choice I might do for the future, and when something doesn't feel right its not the easy thing to do. Some might believe that its easier to quit then it is to follow up and finish something. Not for me, not at all - I'm a winner, I'm a leader and I have always been. I was the leader from the day I started to talk and walk and I competed in everything I did, who was going to learn to write first, read first, eat most meatballs, be the best soccer player, get the best grades, drink a beer fastest, get most drunk, drive fastest, travel further and so on, that's the story of my life, so for me to say, you know what - this is not right for me, I need to slow down, is a big thing for me and that's what I'm going to keep working on. To slow my self down, and observe and calm down, and I have changed towards that goal, but there is a long way to go. I don't need to win in everything, as long as I am true to myself, I still win. I don't need to race when I can slow down and really enjoy my surrounding, and it's a beautiful world that I'm in, so why wouldn't I want to enjoy it? I will stop planning, because life happens if you plan it or not and life happens when you're busy making plans. I don't want to miss out on anything, so I will stay busy and open minded, because everything can happens. Writing this, I sound more and more like my mother and getting more and more free spirited year after year, just like she said I would when I was younger, well then I never believed her but now I'm quoting her more then ever.

"you can't love them all and they all can't love you, love the ones you can and let the others go. If you just stay true to yourself and keep on believing, in the end you will win no matter what other people might or might not do to you".

I don't know what will happen this year but I'm excited for the ride, and see if I got any more wisdom during 2008. Probably not, but I guess that's a part of life as well. I wont stress it at all, I'm peaceful and I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to do with my life, right here and right now, content over the fact that I know that life has a plan for me, so I don't need to create one, I need dreams and I need to follow my dreams to become the person that I am meant to be. Life is to short for me to find what so many others are looking for, I don't care about many of the things other people are trying to find.. I care about living everyday to the fullest, knowing that when I die, I wont regret a thing and I wont regret a job I'm not dreaming of having, but I will regret those stupid dreams that I'm following now if I made the choice not too. Because it might be a silly dream, but how do you know it's silly if you didn't try it out?

Live everyday like it's your last one, because one day that statement can be true and you never know when it will be.

So for 2009, I don't know, and I don't care - because life is an adventure and I don't want to spoil the journey by knowing my specific destination.

I'm not lost at all, I know exactly why and what I am doing this with my life right now. I am living a dream, a fantasy and I believe in the happy ending - so if that's my reality, who are anyone else to tell me it's wrong?

Don't talk about it, live it - skip the drama, its just slowing you down in your process - and focus on the right things in life instead of looking down on your feet stumbling over problems not worth fixing - and remember, your life isn't hard, you're the person who makes your life hard.