EM

2008 became the big lesson of my life so far and hopefully I will take the experience from the past year into 2009 and learn - because as we all know, we live and we learn and life doesn't provide a map of directions till the perfect destination, we need to take some detours to become the people we will be. 2008 was a bump in the road, a struggling journey uphill, but we need to slowly move uphill from time to time to reach those highs' that makes life the journey we want it to become.

Without pointing finger at curtains situations involving people with real names, I'll try to include the main points of the journey that took place 2008.

•-         The year had a rough start, we all know that. When you see a loved one loosing hope in life and you're standing on the side watching this person falling deeper into its' own darkness, and there is nothing you can do to stop it - your feel powerless. We tried, we lost but this person won in the long run and we grew stronger from the experience and we grew stronger bonds of friendship. We all learned something from this experience, we learned just how much we are willing to do to help a person in need and make the right decision giving up and hand it over to people with professional experience, as a person you can only do so much and sometimes the right thing to do is to let go - so, we did, and in the big picture, we did the right thing.

•-         Sometimes in life you meet people who will change you forever, people who put you through good or/and bad experiences, this was a bad one. Mr X was my greatest mistake but it's also one of those mistakes I'm grateful to have experienced, because it changed me and it's still changing me even though he has been out of my life for a long time - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I lost myself to his image of me, and it made me questioning myself and today because of this, I am more aware of who I am and for that, I'm grateful. To understand that other people wont always treat you the way you deserve, is an important lesson to me - because when they don't, you need to step out of it - no one else can do it for you. This experience also thought me how much my friends loves me, and as everything else we go through, we are never alone while we are doing it and this experience made that clear to me - yes I had the relationship experience from hell, but the whole time I had friends standing behind me to help me up every time I fell back in a trash hole many of us never thought I would get out from, but I did, hurt - yes, and all because of friends who gave me the courage to get out of it! Because you need to be strong and brave to get out of a relationship with that type of label.

•-         I also learned that escaping can sometimes be the only realistic way out of a situation that's not meant to be solved. Since I lost my self image I escaped to the safe zone of my friends and family in the country and the culture were I'm born and raised, were everything is familiar and safe, an environment I easily could see myself from the right view again. I guess I didn't really escaped, I more of took a break. Like a soccer coach would do if you don't play the way you normally do, he takes you of the field, coach you, and put you back on the field, hoping you will do better the second time around. I did go back; I left my safe zone and brought memories of another amazing summer with people I trust with my life, new connections and bonds of friendships. I came back, stronger then ever and I got my life back on track - with other peoples love for me as my biggest motivation, how could I be a bad person if all these amazing people love me? I learned the importance of taking a break, and find your focus and then get right back on it! It's like riding a horse, if you fall of, you calm your self and the horse down, and you jump right back on it!

So what about other experiences?

We live life like we choose to live, or most of us do - but we don't learn from our own experiences only! What about all the people around us? If you don't see the experiences in others, wake up - take a look around instead of steering in blindness of your own journey. - - -

- Other people might have a big impact on us, if we let them! I let them and I learn from people around me everyday.
I saw a friend struggle with school, she failed but jumped right back on it and signed up for next semester, afraid of failing again but with a bigger motivation of winning then ever before, she gives me motivation of keep on fighting all those challenges that I face on a daily bases.
- I saw friends go on bigger journeys, like my self, but with different experiences and hopes for the outcome. I saw them finding themselves and head in different directions then they before the journey to the deep countries of Asia, studies in Europe and volunteering in south America. I saw them finding themselves and see their future with brighter eyes, the way I one time saw myself struggling with my self image and finding my spot in life of travelling. This confirmed my illusion that travelling and getting to know that world you're living in, help you to get to know yourself and know the person you are and succeed to be the person you will become.

- I learned about love from other peoples experiences, I saw people fall in love, I saw people fall out of love and I saw people struggling in bad relationship and then force themselves out of them. But for two people in particular I saw the struggling with love, even when it's the best. The love between two people and a relationship that is judged by loved ones, by society and by religion. I saw them facing the fare of what others might think, I saw them walking hand in hand, proud of the love that the shared and for that, I love them even more as friends, because the actions of people tells you a lot of who they are. This are people who always believes and two friends who always stands strong by my side, seeing things clear when I struggle.

- I learned about cultures different from my own, and that helped me to see my culture with clear eyes, as Morrie says in Tuesdays with Morrie (which is a book you all should read), "if the culture doesn't fit, be brave and stand out from the norms" and that's what I have been doing my whole life, but not until this year, living with people from all the corners of the world, I really understood the purpose of understanding the culture you're living in, because if you don't understand the culture you're from, how can you ever understand and know yourself?

- I saw my best friend become a mother to the beautiful baby Stella, get married and pregnant again.. what a life shaker..

And all these people

Every year you meet new people, some of them will have a big impact in your life and by keeping your mind and heart open for these individuals, you might end up with some great new people in your life and this year have not been the year of disappointment even if my year started of that way, I met some amazing people on the way, who moves me forward instead of holding me back.

•-         my roomies from Auburn, Jinah, Irene, Poppy, Chea and Febby have all been great new people in my life, people a adore and people I respect - they all thought me something while living in the house and they are all people I will carry in my heart forever.

•-         Alen Jugo, he came in to my life at the wrong moment, the wrong year and the wrong time in my life, but he changed me and he was my wake up call of what I really deserve in life, he helped me through one of the hardest episodes of my life and he moved me forward. He became one of the most important people in my life, and for that I will be him forever grateful.

•-         Miss Christina Manning, she was the girl in my gym class who wasn't 16 and right out of high school. With years of experience of life she became one of my closest friends quickly after our first meeting. She got it all, everything a good friend shall have - she is a good listener, she give the best advices, she is the kind of person you can both cry and laugh with. She is a great inspiration of living life and moving on from those episodes that sometimes keeps you stuck in the past.

•-         Nana Asso! My Japanese angel of sin haha, she has been my greatest support and the person who tells me the truth when I don't want to hear it or when life just sucks and you need someone to kick you in the right direction - she is that person, brutally honest and makes you laugh when you just want to cry.

•-         Mr Johnny Gannaw, have a million things to say about this person, he is one of the good ones, and the kind of person that makes you believe that there is a higher power who sometimes send people in your direction. An amazing friend, and also one of those you will keep in your heart forever and hope always will stay in your life as the good friend and person that he is.

•-         Jennifer Wood, is one of those new people in my life who brings an extra energy kick to the table. She is nothing like anyone else of my friends, but I also believe that's why I like spending time with her, because she is fun, crazy and brings tons of energy - it's an easy person to like and I'm very happy that she is a part of my life.

•-         The Swedes, the new ones when me and Jeanette became to regular. Sara, Linda and Sofia and the boys, Markus, Victor and Stefan - some great and genuine reality in the middle of the American culture, gave one or a few wake up calls! Wonderful people.

The people in my life

The people in my life are also represented as the love of my life, these people are the oldies, these people are the ones who sticks around no matter what, the people who have around long enough to face the challenge of real friendship - you know those moments of sorrows, those moments when you see who your true friends really are, and these are the people worth spending energy back to, because you know that they don't drain you, the always receive, yes, but they also give so much back. These are the people I call my friends, the loves of my life.

•-         Ewa is my bestfriend, my partner in crime, my loyal other half who always listen, never judge. She has been there for me more then anyone that I know, and she is the one telling me the truth when I don't want to hear it. She is the friend that knows everything there is to know about me, and when I'm really low, she is the only person to lift me up again, she knows me well enough to know what to say, she knows the history and therefore she can push into the future.

•-         Malin is my oldest friend, the one who knows absolutely everything about me but loves me anyway, she was there in 1^st grade, first boyfriend, first love, first drunkenness, first S*X, first heartbreak, parents divorce, fights with friends, soccer team, graduation, travelling - I experienced a part of the world with her and she experienced it on her own later on, she grew more then I have ever seen a person grow and I'm so proud.

•-         Karin, she is my rock through it all, the mama! She has been taking care of me since the age of 13, with her wisdom and clear view of life, she told me that no matter how hard life is, things always gets better when I was crying over some stupid 13 year old drama and yet today I live by those words. She became a mother and a wife and her life took a complete different direction then mine, but we still find our space that's only hers and mine, were we can be ourselves in each others environment.

•-         Hedvig, the person I had my kickers' days with at the age of 12, my best friend and she always will be. She graduated university in June 2008 and has now been travelling Australia for months, she lived her dream, like she always said she would.

•-         Elin Malmqvist, she is one of those friends were everything comes naturally with, it can be months without a word but things are always the same, we understand each other completely even though we haven't talked in a long time - She is making big steps in her life right now, and I'm proud of her.

•-         Elin Carlsson, the best carlsson in the world! She makes my life rock'n'roll, she is the person who is there for you regardless, who sticks up for you at the club if a cheesy looking guy grabs your ass, the person who takes long walks in the summer nights with you and makes fantasies about the future, who makes you dinner when you don't feel like cooking, who do your make up when you feel ugly. She started her own company in September 2008, broke her self away from her old job that she hated and she makes me so proud, she was scared as hell but she did it and she is an inspiration.

•-         Daniel, Daniel and Fredrik, what can I say, it's funny to see what we have become since high school, but all 3 of you make me proud in many different ways, mostly because you stay yourselves and live life for the moment and you live is as it feels right living it for now.

•-         Joakim, you have moved so far in your life since the day that I met you over 10 years ago. He became a father in May 2008, and seeing him change have been such an amazing experience.

•-         Charlie!!!!! My best friend of the opposite sex, and no he is not gay. He is the kind of guy that I can sit around with for hours not talking at all and still be completely content, sit at a café with coffee and magazines, or just looking at people walking by and making up stories about who they are. But he is also the person in life I can have the deepest conversations with - about life, politic, society or people in general. He is an amazing person and he will be famous one day, the world better be ready because he will achieve greatness and reach every goal he sets up for himself! He have achieved so much all ready, from the day I met him at 13 when his hair were read and spiked and he wore a superman t-shirt, until today when he wears his hear trendy and dress up on a daily bases.

•-         Pink, she became my best friend in the states very quickly, she was sparkling and happy, outgoing and friendly, easy to like and but hard to get to know - but I got to know her and I became one of her closest friend. We have been through a lot the last year and our friendship has been challenged many times, but somehow we always manage to put us back on track and I guess that says a lot about or friendship.

•-         Kristen, there are many episodes from the last year I wouldn't have managed on my own without her. She was also one who helped me start eating when American food just scared the shit out of me, oh, wait, that was 07.. what happened with the time? She became a very important person very quickly and in that circle she will stay forever.

•-         Chris and Robert, they make me laugh - friends who make you laugh are rare and you need to keep them close.

•-         Senait, she is the person who calms me down, who listen and never judge, who support and push me into the right direction. Her wisdom is beyond it all and we are each others opposites, which makes our friendship even stronger.

•-         Beshir, we have the same struggles with the American culture, misses the same thing about Sweden and can have the deepest conversations, when we at the same time can laugh hysterical about something so stupid not even worth mentioning.

•-         Zaide, the other wise woman in my life. She knows what I'm feeling, even if I don't tell her and she always seems to call or text at those rare moments when I do need to get it all out of my system, she is one of the strongest people that I know.

•-         Mahad, what can I say, you make my laugh, like the big brother I never had - ehm, what, you're like 1 month older then me huh?

•-         Amanda, such a beautiful person with great skill of listening but also the great sense of humour to laugh with, she is smart and she is smart when it comes to everything, not only school, but life as well - she sees things clear that most of us still struggles with.

•-         Erik and Sheldon, there is to much to even try. Save your drama for your mama.

•-         Maria, she is around, she understands, she is crazy - but I do really love it. She helps me up all those times when I need a helping hand.

So what do I do for the future?

2008 was a year to take as an experience and move it to be something great for the future. I figured myself out a long time ago. But there are still situation I must learn to know how to deal with and how to separate things in my daily life so that one factor doesn't completely affect another factor in my life, that is something I have been working on, but there is still a lot more to go, especially since my emotions more often than what is convenient effect my daily life. But what I will focus on this year is to find that feeling, that feeling of peace, where nothing around you ever will effect you, because you're so peaceful, just being yourself and you can see answers, analyze and understand actions of the people around you. I know I can't control everything and I know that I can't force things to be something that it's not meant to be, but it can sometimes be hard to step down and let go of the control that is the only thing that you have to keep you in control over the situation and have some faith that it will work out regardless of what you do or don't do.
I had to slow down, breath and not keep following the road I was going, which was a scary road to stop following - but I did, because it didn't felt right. I got in to 6 universities in 4 different states. But sometimes the plan that was meant to be, looses its meaning halfway there, so why keep fighting for something that you no longer want? Yes it's a good thing to follow your dreams, but dreams changes and I choose to be true to the person that I am and follow my gut to whatever choice I might do for the future, and when something doesn't feel right its not the easy thing to do. Some might believe that its easier to quit then it is to follow up and finish something. Not for me, not at all - I'm a winner, I'm a leader and I have always been. I was the leader from the day I started to talk and walk and I competed in everything I did, who was going to learn to write first, read first, eat most meatballs, be the best soccer player, get the best grades, drink a beer fastest, get most drunk, drive fastest, travel further and so on, that's the story of my life, so for me to say, you know what - this is not right for me, I need to slow down, is a big thing for me and that's what I'm going to keep working on. To slow my self down, and observe and calm down, and I have changed towards that goal, but there is a long way to go. I don't need to win in everything, as long as I am true to myself, I still win. I don't need to race when I can slow down and really enjoy my surrounding, and it's a beautiful world that I'm in, so why wouldn't I want to enjoy it? I will stop planning, because life happens if you plan it or not and life happens when you're busy making plans. I don't want to miss out on anything, so I will stay busy and open minded, because everything can happens. Writing this, I sound more and more like my mother and getting more and more free spirited year after year, just like she said I would when I was younger, well then I never believed her but now I'm quoting her more then ever.

"you can't love them all and they all can't love you, love the ones you can and let the others go. If you just stay true to yourself and keep on believing, in the end you will win no matter what other people might or might not do to you".

I don't know what will happen this year but I'm excited for the ride, and see if I got any more wisdom during 2008. Probably not, but I guess that's a part of life as well. I wont stress it at all, I'm peaceful and I'm doing exactly what I am supposed to do with my life, right here and right now, content over the fact that I know that life has a plan for me, so I don't need to create one, I need dreams and I need to follow my dreams to become the person that I am meant to be. Life is to short for me to find what so many others are looking for, I don't care about many of the things other people are trying to find.. I care about living everyday to the fullest, knowing that when I die, I wont regret a thing and I wont regret a job I'm not dreaming of having, but I will regret those stupid dreams that I'm following now if I made the choice not too. Because it might be a silly dream, but how do you know it's silly if you didn't try it out?

Live everyday like it's your last one, because one day that statement can be true and you never know when it will be.

So for 2009, I don't know, and I don't care - because life is an adventure and I don't want to spoil the journey by knowing my specific destination.

I'm not lost at all, I know exactly why and what I am doing this with my life right now. I am living a dream, a fantasy and I believe in the happy ending - so if that's my reality, who are anyone else to tell me it's wrong?

Don't talk about it, live it - skip the drama, its just slowing you down in your process - and focus on the right things in life instead of looking down on your feet stumbling over problems not worth fixing - and remember, your life isn't hard, you're the person who makes your life hard.