EM

There is no other feeling then sad guilt running through my system at present time, there are not words in the world that can describe what I felt when my mother called me and told me that my aunt passed away on Sunday.
Last time I saw her was in August, right before I headed back to America, right before I turned my back on the life I used to live to keep living the life that I created for myself, far away. I promised that I would write, but I never did. She told me that she was scared; I told her that I understood. When she hugged me goodbye she knew it was the last time she saw me, I could see it in her eyes but I choose to ignore it - which was a selfish action and that is something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life.
This taught me a lesson, a lesson of life and death, a lesson of family, friends and love and a lesson of connection with your own being.
My aunt had everything going for her self, she was beautiful, she was smart, she was driven, she loved and she did put her self out there over and over again, she met the good ones and she met the bad ones and time and again she kept moving forward, trying to rebuild herself to become the person that she wanted to be. She travelled, she loved and she cared. She had a bright future but somewhere along the road life got to hard, something along the road killed her spirit.
She died alone, she died the way she has been living for the last decade and a half and for that I don't think I can ever forgive myself.
Where she was in her life at 21 is where I am in my life right now, the way people used to describe her is the way my family describes me today. My father always use to tell me how similar we are, me and my aunt, how I remind him so much about how she used to be, before the rough life took her spirit and eliminated it.
It scares me.

If I am the way she was, that means that I can end up like her and die alone without happiness right next to me. Life is rough on me and more then I would like I need to play the strong card and keep putting myself on top of the game again, just the way she did, and it scares me that even my spirit will die eventually and I will end up with alcohol as a close friend and loose loved ones, friends and family on the way. Because if we are so similar isn't it a possibility that her destiny also will become mine?
The smallest things made my aunt happy, her dog, us children and her beloved little brother, also known as my father. She lived for the day and everyday was a battle for her to get through. She was a fighter and I admire that, but at the same time I can't help but wonder, what did she fight for? And not being able to answer that make the admire I feel for her grow even stronger. I wonder if she had any regrets, I wonder if she could relive her life, would she do something different the second time around? That are questions that I never will find the answers to, because I was too afraid to ask.  
I let her down.

It makes me sad and upset that she wont have a loved one, or a child or a close friend from those crazy high school years of her at her funeral. I makes me upset that so few people can see her for what she was. What is she leaving behind?
My biggest drive in life is the make a change in someone's life, big as small but worth remembering, so that when I die, I feel like a made one life a little brighter, better or more clear to face the world out there.
The question is, what is my aunt leaving behind? And if you don't leave anything behind worth remembering, what was the point of your whole life?
She had a purpose in life, she just got lost on the way, but I saw her and her life and her death have an impact on me if no one else, so I guess that she did leave something behind because despite a life that might seem tragic to many, she was also love, she was my aunt and she believed in me many times when other people didn't. She encouraged me to be more then I ever thought I could, she inspired me to follow my heart in every situation and keep fighting even those times when life was rough on me.
I am proud over her, because 10 years or 20 years doesn't define a persons life, what's important is the big picture and just like me my aunt loved life and she lived it to the fullest at all times and life might have kicked her ass a little to hard, but I rather live ones then live a whole life without ever living.
I wont loose my spirit, because she inspires me to keep fighting and keep living the happy life, I'm strong, not because of her but because of all those things she told me about her present life. I know in my heart that I never want to be in a situation where I tell someone about how happy I used to be from a seat where I no longer can feel happiness in a present moment.
Her life isn't a sad story, her life is an important story, a story that tells us that it's never to late, and it's always important to never stop fighting for what you believe in and never stop searching for that happy ending we all dream of having. She might not have lived the happy ending, but she was happy somewhere in between, she told me about the days at university, those days travelling, those days being madly in love, those days of wonder and one thing is true and clear, she did live and she was happy and in the end, that's all that matters.

We just need to remember that she was more than she was in the end, and we all need to remember that everyday in life can be our last one, so don't wait till the end to start living.

Rest in peace Lisbeth Lindgren, and I admire the life you had and in the end you were stronger than all of us. You gave me something no other person ever can give me, you gave me a plan. My plan is to live, live as long as I can, and make everyday as important as I can. If I only have strength to hold it up for 10 more years, damn then I need to make those 10 years count even more and if I'm alone on my funeral I will know that I ones up in a time, I was surrounded by living, happy, laughing and dancing human being.

I love you, and once again, words cant describe how sorry I am or how much it hurts. But that leads me to the other lesson learned, always and always for ever remember to tell all those people you love that you love them and never make a person that you love feel alone or not loved.

I love you - R.I.P

Love,

Em

PS. uppdatering om de senaste veckorna kommer innom kort.