I'll be there.

I'm sitting on my sofa with a chilled glass, well deserved, chardonnay. Listening to some depressing english punk and trying to remember the year, the lessons learned, the smiles smiled and the memories that will forever be a part of my life..
But the task is hard.
2010 has without doubt been the roughest year in my life so far, it has been a challange that many times has been almost too overwhelming to deal with, but as said before, this is my life and the world will go on with or without me and nobody else is gonna live my life for me, it's kind of my job and it's prob the most important job I have.

The  year has not been a challange in the way most people would describe a challanging year, it's hasn't been all bad, but it hasn't been all good - the challange is the way they play eachother out. I would like to call my 2010 "the bipolar year with a slight touch of adhd". It has been soo horrible, the tear bank has refilled many times, the frustration has put Miss Crazy girl in my head and I'v done some things I don't even want to try to understand the reasoning behind. But it has also been a fantastic year, there has been so many laughs, there has been so many nights of joy, there has been so much love and there has been strong bonds of friendships growing even stronger.
No, 2010 wasn't a bad year, it was a year that was very overwhelming.
Everything bad brought something great, everything good brought something bad. It was the cycle of life in its most bright form of life.

The year started off with my best friend almost dying in a car accident in L.A - there were days where we coudln't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't talk - just waiting for the call. Then it was the wait to see if he was going to keep his legg when the worst was over and we knew that he atleast was going to live. When we also knew that his legg was going to live we had to figure out how to get him home, because of health he couldn't travel via public transportation or airplane - I drove 17 hours down to UCLA medical center to pick him up and the we drove straight home to seattle. Bad? yes. But my best friend moved home, my best friend changed 100% and he is now the person I always knew he had the potention to be. He was told that if he ever walked again, it would take atleast 12 months, hmm - he walked in to my house in may, 4 months hafter his accident. Look at that. He is now working, living the life of his dream and building up for the future that will be brighter than he could ever imagine before that accident, the accident that nearly killed him, saved his him - embrace.

I had my turn to the hospital after throwing up blood for 2 days I finally agreed to my boyfriend at the times attempts to take me to the ER. Two major bleeding ulcers. This is due to the fact that I never slow down, never listen to my body and think that everything will be okay in the morning if I just get one night of good sleep after one week with 20 hours of sleep.. hmm - but I'm stubborn, I refused open surgery and wanted the meds and see if they took - after one week at the hospital I felt better and wasn't forced to surgeries that has more complication to them than I want to think about. I had an amazing boyfriend who stayed by my side the whole time, slept in a chair next to my bed, held my hand every night when they came in to draw 5 dubes of blood. I learned from this too - listen to your body! Even if you're okay at the time, there is damage you can do to your body that will show years from now if you don't listen to the small signs in the moment.  I'm 23 years old and had 2 ulcers that were both 4 cm.. which is hugh in ulcer land - not normal. I framed the pictures of them and promised that I would change my life style, stop stressing and start living.

I moved twice. I was homeless for a while. I was on my way home to europe twice. changed job twice.
I mean, happening are many, stories about them are heavy, fun, borring, long - whatever.

I'v learned one thing this year, that the biggest lesson in world are the ones you learn on the way. You learn from your misstakes, you learn from others.
But the people that has slipped in to my life this year are many, are fantastic, are stupid, rude and either still next to me or allready all gone. But one thing you all have in common, you all taught me something.
And you are all printed in my head, and whatever the future brings down on me, you all will always have a place in my head/heart (haven't learned to seperate them yet).

I found this one person, who sweapt me off my feet - I didn't want it to happen, he didn't want to happen, we were both resently single, and not ready for anything serious. But the fright of loosing one another made us hold on even tighter. It has been up and down, but I guess it's called working it out. "I'v been this way with so many before, but somehow this feels like a first" I don't know how it is going to work out, if we will be a chapter or a book. But if we end up as a chapter I can tell you this, that chapter was a page-turner. However it goes, I wont regret any of it, ever. He will always be one of the most special  people I'v ever had the honor to get to know.

My friends gets it all this year though, they get all from me when it comes to gradetude, you have challanged, pushed and pulled, listen, screamed and laughed with me - as always, as every year, you show me that I am blessed with the best friends there is.

So what is 2011 bringing me?
Everything.
2010, has been a lesson learned from the start.
I have got a good lesson learned to know how to handle everything that will come my way from now. I'm ready to find a new drive, reach my goals and reach higher than the goals I'v allready set up. I don't know what my plan is yet, it depends on a few different factors in my life, but whatever it is - it will be more independent, and more self driven.

So what does that mean - It means that europe is on the future map and the lessons learned will be brought with me.
The american experience has prob been the most self-living experience  I could ever had set up for my self.
Without all this, I could not have the future I have to look forward to.
you live and you learn.
I have lived more than many people that I know, and I have learned lessons that has almost killed me on the way to get the answers.

So from here, I'm free falling.
I don't know, I don't care and I don't really want to see what the future has to bring becuase I have never been this blindsided and never been this done with the life I'm living searching for the change to come. I'm on my way. Europe 2011, that's what I promise everyone and myself.

Love, Em.