EM

So I’m laying on my bed, listening to music and trying to figure out how I have changed and how much my world has changed the last 3 years since I got on that airplane that took me to a new destination on the other side of the atlantic ocean. When I came here I had no expectations, life I guess has taught me that much, with no expectations, there will be no dissapointment – so I guess it came as a plesant surprise that I actually found my new destination be very enjoyeble, right from the start – with classes, new people, jello-shots and fast food drive thru. America in all it’s glory. But I think it took me a long time before I actually allowed myself to become a part of the culture, I didn’t know if I could accept the change that was about to become a part of my life and leave my past behind me.
But I did.
After 3 years, I graduated college, got a job, bought a car, signed a lease for an apartment.
My life took a different turn than it would ever have taken in sweden, because I had to grow up – that was my only choice. GROW up.
Nobody is looking out for me here, at the same time everyone is looking out for me here, we all look out for eachothers but we take care of ourself and keep our shit together.

I’m trying to compare my life, now and then. Sweden and America. But that is a mission that was failed to begin with. I cant say that my life has changed for the better, nor the worse. I has just changed and I finally changed with it. Did I become a better person? Absolutly. Did I grow up? Hard to say, I’m getting there I would like to think.  Life is harder here than it has ever been at home. I see things everyday here, that I could never dream of seeing growing up. I have friends with stories, hard to believe as the truth because of the reality in them. I have friends that aren’t criminals at all that has spent days to weeks in jail. I have to fight to be able to see a doctor. I brush my teeth 3 times a day because I can’t afford to go to the dentist. I have to think about things I never thought about growing up, face a reality my parents never had to deal with – so how is this not worse? If my quality of life according to the evidence is worse than it was growing up. Because I am better. Because this feels more real. Because I have to fight, struggle and achieve shot term goal everyday – I’m proud over my life in a completely different way than I have ever been proud over myself back home, I built this life, all by myself – I had no help, no money to start with or anyone to call friends when I first arrived here.  So for me, this world is better, because of all the bad stuff, you learn to appriciate those highs and all that good in life so much more than I ever could before. When nothing is handed to you, when you have to work for everything – everything you get meens so much more – embrace it.

I love being a swedish American, because it doesn’t matter how much my life here has changed me, or how much this feels like home at moments like this – I am and I always will be a swede to heart, because I am proud of my own country and the morals and understanding of right and wrong that I got growing up in the society I did, which is a very protected one in many aspects.
But as manytimes said before, America is like cotton candy and hard rock at the same time – and I love what it has done to me as a person.

Love, em.