Do you ever stop up and look around, and wonder how the hell did I end up here?
Well that's great, I don't.
But today I did, for one of the first times and started thinking about the past, why and how did I get here?
I'm in an emotional and physical state of life where I never found myself before - I'm very torn toward what my next step will be and until I can figure that one out I need to figure out the answer to how did I get here?

There are no logical reasons for me being here - other then the impulsive actions of a 20 year old.
That's how I got here, impuls, a feeling, a restlessness, my view on common sence.
So that's how I got here.
And I guess that's where I run in to problems because when you act on a feeling, impulse and live on your emotions, you stand still in between those reactions to life, nature or the world.
That's where I am right now. I'm standing still. And I can't move in any directions until one feeling is so much stronger than all my other feelings, and my bordom is beyond ridic - that's when I act, that's when my mind start working towards new goals.

I had an interesting conversation the other day - which made me think.
There is no logic in my world.
In my mind other peoples logic hold them back.

I'm tryign to make plans, I'm trying to set up goals, but I can't.
I'm standing still.
I can't feel anything in any direction - I know what I want to do, but I don't know when, cause decisions I make now - will cost and I am not talking about the cost of money, I am talking about life, relationships, love and connctions.
I am not ready to pay that price for my own impulsive soul right now.
So for now, I will stand still, I have goals and I plan one week at the time to reach those goals.
But I am starting to understand one thing..
Its not always about searching, traveling and running away from things.
Sometimes I guess one of the big challanges is to stay, when daily life becomes life and tomorrow kind of looks like yesterday - but that's okay for now, because that's what I need, I have been moving, searching and running away from things for the last 9 years of my life. Now I need a break, I need to live, build up relationships, take care of my friends, and just breath for a while.. Life doesn't always have to be a running battle..
I guess that's what scares me a little - I have never felt content, I have always been running. I have been on the way, on the road, towards something, someone, somehow I always manage to get there and this time.. Its quiet and calm. Life is great, life is energy and I live more than I think I have done before.
I love it.
Even if it scares me.
It's great.

And the great thing is, I know now, that when I want to, there is a whole world out there and nothing ever holds me back, because that's what been scaring me, I am scared of getting stucked if I get to content, but I now know that there is nothing wrong with building something, and actually stop up and enjoy life for a minute.

SO I guess that's my next step.
I will calm down a little, stop running and start enjoying what I worked so hard for - my life.


love, em.