I got pissed before bedtime last night - no obvious reason - broke 3 frames and ripped 3 pictures. Dissapointed - yes. It's just hitting late.
Still not any better, sick like yesterday, the day before, saturday and friday. But I feel like it's the last day, I feel like its getting better, so maybe by tomorrow this time I'll feel a little better.
ps, I miss my family alot. I'm working on my book and the manuscript is finally getting together.
So, here I am, sunday night and I wonder strongly how that happened! - Friday night, I came home from work, later then I was supposed to, with a migrane that had been bothering me since I woke up. Working with children is not the best when the head feels likes its about the check out. Aowsh. When I got home I called and made plans, I had in mind all day to take the drive up to Seattle and celebrate my dear friends birthday. But as it was it was impossible but I had stong faith in taking a nap, waking up rosie fresh and start getting ready, so plans were made and I took a nap, woke up and couldnt get out of bed, my head hurt more then before and I also felt sick to the core of my stomach - I had a fever that came from nowhere, and plans got cancelled and bedtime was in instead, a cold shower later I was in my PJs falling asleep. Saturday came and nothign was better - I didnt leave bed other then walking to the kitchen and bathroom, fell asleep earliy again. Woke up today - panic! sunday is here, and now what? the whole weekend spent in bed because of sickness brought up on me because of work. So you work all week and then need a whole weekend to get back on your feet for monday morning when another working week is heading towards you - urh? Today we went to the fair, bought scones and left again, my head is still heavy and my nose is rinning more then ever. So that was another waisted weekend and it irritates me so much because I need something fun, I need something fun to do and something to look forward too, but everytime I do that I get sick, and whats the fun in that?
My sister called today and I am really excited for that, cant wait. hopefully the 3 months before she gets here comes fast!
I guess its bedtime again, to wake up for another day at work, another work week, another weekend to look forward too.
Day 1 - back to work - pain in my finger, like tons of it - feels like a ladiebug is sitting with a hammer and punch the nervs in my pinkie 10 times a second, thats alot of hammering pain. Then imagine having kids running around, smashing and hamering and every once in a while by accident they just tuch the package half of my hand is wrapped up into and I see red for a 3rd of a second, AOOOOWSH!
I'm having dinner with my pinkelina tonight, she woted for chipotlee, but.. a burrito.. with fingers in a package? iv heard better ideas, so I'm thinking of some boneless buffalowings at applebees instead, fork and a knife, that's how you eat. screw the burrito, it wont happen tonight, sorry pinkson!
other than that.. Yeah I started to read the girl who played with fire today - uhrgh - its not twilight - of course its brilliant written, but it's just doesn't come through in the translation.. I'm trying, but I get so irritated everytime I read, tunnelbanan, or other words just written in swedish - like the translator got too lazy to find the meaning behind the word in english - subway? hmm, maybe I should become a translator.. Its just enoying, yes I know the meaning, but an english speaker reading this book will be lost and alot of that part of the book will be missread because of one word. Its like when you read a book in english and if there is one single word in there that you don't understand - you look it up and you get the paragraph better when you do that instead of being satesfied with knowing the context of the paragraph you read. anyway, ill give it a few more chances, or Im straight back to read twilight for the 3rd time. No one is more excited then I am for opening night - opening weekend? ill be in forks, no joke! and no, im not a dork - I just freaking looooove twilight, stephanie mayer is a freaking genius and I love everything she writes, I'm just waiting for a book a few years after breaking dawn ends, maybe renessme's story as she is maybe 17 years old - tdf.
I'v been sick today. Not sick, but home sick. Or not home sick. I got sent to the doctor from work. From the doctor I got sent home. Missing a day of pay, but I'm getting a day of relaxation. I broke my finger, my "lillfinger" - I broke my pinkiefinger.. hmm - HURTS like hell to be such a small bone..
I watched twilight 2 times today. tragic. but the movie is so good. love the feeling when you're done watching it and it feels like you're still in that world. Since I read all the books twice.. I figure it's time to continue with the girl who played with fire, but it's so weird to read a book that is written first in swedish and I know it's supposed to be in swedish and im reading it in english, the girl with the dragon tatoo was a challange and this is the sequal so I should read it, Im gonna read it - just need to get into it. which I will. But reading i swedish book playing out in sweden in english in washington.. or reading the twilight saga in english, that's playing out here in washington.. crime or vampire? hmm..
mom, ask sis to call me! and you need to call me too mom, I need to know what bloodtype I am!
I just got back, it;s 7.08 in the morning and I went for a long run - 3 racoons who still were out hunting scared the shit out of me, thats an animal I will NEVER get used to - hate them all and they are everywhere!
Use to talk about different types of realities, as your isn't the same as mine. But now mine isn't the same as it used to be.
Last week we went on lockdown, my work went on lockdown, lock all doors and take all the children inside. Why? Because there was a shooting with one person dead at the transit center (buss station) a few blocks down and the guy was running around in the neighborhood trying to escape the police.. During all years in my school career I have never been on lockdown.
Now, english muffin, coffee and another workweek ahead!
that are a few things on my mind right now and I wish it could turn around, and be good again. Im doing bikram yoga tonight - hot yoga. Its finally and offically stop for summer now and its time to check back to old habits and loose the 10 kg in the next week - summer kills my body like nothing else, too hot, too lazy, too many good drinks and too much beer. And maybe after a 90 minutes of yoga in a sauna I will feel a little better..
Its so weird sometimes how life turns out.. One year ago I left Sweden for the third time in a year, left the land of home to continue searching for something else in west. It was hard to leave last year, it was hard to let go of last years summer. But a 2 month long summer cant kill a 6 year long dream, I needed something else, I needed something completely different from what I had been told was to be my future. I needed a lifelong adventure and living in a different culture and country is one of the easiest yet hardest way to pursue that dream. Easy because all you got to do to be able to life a life long adventure is to move, find out what to do to be able to support the decision of moving and then just do it. It was easy for me, because I had many, many years of dreams pushing me forward to actually take the step of moving. Its hard to pursue this dream because its far away from what is known to you, its far away from the culture you grew up in and far away from people who helped shaping what you are today. But to pursue this dream was the most important thing for me and here I am, doing it. Therefore it was hard to leave last summer because there was an emotional conflict between my heart, brain, past and future. I had a hard time to pick a side, a hard time to figure out my goals if my present situation would change, I mean, then what? Its to hard, was my concluding idea, I couldn’t do it, not now and not later – I was where I needed to be, I am where I want be right now so all in all, a hard decision then made a life easier to life for me today. I had my past visiting me this summer, when I realized, I am not that girl anymore. I grew up sometime between then and now and there was not much to recall from the girl people knew then and the girl I am today. I have a job, a job that I could never do where I come from, a job that means something for someone else then me. I have children, parents and co-workers depending on me on a daily bases and you know what, that’s more fulfilling then anything else could ever be. I got married in the time from then till now, something I never thought was possible. My life has change, its more real now and its more me. I just knew back then that the life I could get if I would have followed my heart was not what I wanted and I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew that wasn’t it. The life I could have got would have been perfect in so many eyes of others, easy would have been my description. Instead I struggle today, now, I try to figure out how to be married, how to be a good wife, how to reach out to all the kids in my class and inspire them to keep fighting for a future for them on. So in my eyes I traded easy for hard. Because nothing in my life right now is easy, but this is what I always wanted, never have the future printed out on a map in front of you like I would have back then. Nothing is wrong with that life. That life just wasn’t me. I like that other people plan, that makes the world go round. I like not knowing, I like struggle, I like climbing. My future isn’t what most children dream it to be like, I don’t want tons of money, I don’t want 4 houses on 4 different continents, I don’t want any of that and that’s something I have said for years now. That can never fulfill me as a person, but my life now gives me something more, my life now gives me relief, relief that I know nothing. I know nothing about my future, because it is an adventure. Just the way I want it. I am a teacher, and I love it, because children are what we need to focus on. I also live in a surreal world. In a world where the country I live in is a war that I can’t understand, agree with or even support – which is hard, since in all this I also have a husband who will fight this war, a war that I can’t see any logic in. My husband on the other hand I need to support, so if I cant support the war, how am I going to support my husbands actions in going over seas to defend this country? That’s a surreal reality I could never see for my self one year ago, so yes, everything around me has change, but most of all – I haven’t changed, I just found the way I need to go to live the life I wanted for myself. But it’s not easy, not at all. But I had to let go of things not as important to me anymore. Friends from the past were one thing that I had to let go off, there was no room, there was no time and there was no connection anymore, to loose a best friend is hard but it’s even harder not to feel the urge to fix it. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to keep in touch because it hurts to see what have become of what once used to be a relationship of two best friends, there is nothing there anymore and that is nothing I need or want to be reminded off.
But there are those high lights from the past that I can’t loose how much life change, as family and those childhood friends that will remain strong through life long journeys, because our friendships have all ready been through all the changes that are to be through. Like Malin who is coming in the end of November, and my sister who is coming here over Christmas. I am looking at tickets for her now, and any day now, they are booked!
So, my life changed, but its not for the worse, its actually for the better, its just harder then it used to be, the issues are bigger and the worries are real. But the real, real is the real value, it’s the life I wanted, realness.
Life has so far taught me one thing, it never turns out the way you thought it would, no matter how well you plan, life has it's own plan for you. This is my journey and my attempt to follow the road life lays out for me, as a new mom, and with the constant struggle of what country and continent to call home - my journey to figure out where I actually belong.
